Virginity - and why I am nervous for our kids

I am nervous for our children... and that doesn't just come from being a mum with an anxiety disorder.

The teenage years are horrible.  I remember them well and I know everyone reading this will remember them well.  The hormones, the pressure, the angst, the need for independence and not feeling as if you are getting enough, the decisions that you need to make about life (seriously, WHY are we expecting 17 year olds to know what they want to do with the rest of their life?!), and then there is everything sex related, but particularly the losing of one's virginity.

I remember being a teenager and the huge deal that was made about losing the 'big V'.  Parents and teachers were slamming home the point that you should wait until you are properly ready and that you lose it under the right circumstances.  Friends and peers brag about losing their virginity, about how awesome sex is, about what positions they've done it in, about how many people they have had sex with.  There is so much pressure from both sides - some of it intentional and some of it unintentional - and it makes for a hellishly confusing time.

I lost my virginity faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar too early.  Years too early.  So early that I am now ashamed about it, particularly about the way I lost it and who it was with.  The thought of any of our kids losing their virginity so young and in such a way fills me with dread.  I'm probably bloody lucky I was at boarding school when it happened to me and I didn't have to physically look at my parents when they found out about it.

But you know what?  In one way I am... I'm not sure that 'glad' is the right word, but because I can't think of another word, let's go with glad.  The one way I am glad that I lost my virginity so young is that I didn't have to put up with the pressure from either side.  When the rest of my friends and peers were going through the inner turmoil of should-I-or-shouldn't-I, I didn't have that worry.  I had lost it, that big, enormous, momentous, life-changing moment had been and gone (I might add that after I lost my virginity I didn't have sex for another four years).

I wish such a huge deal wasn't made about it, that teenagers and young adults could be given the tools required to make an informed decision for themselves (I know this is idealistic, not every teen or young adult has the mental capacity to do this!), without being told by x, y, and z, that a, b, or c was the right thing to do.

Having the benefit of hindsight (I know, old person saying...) I can see that too much emphasis is placed on the wrong aspects of losing your virginity.  It all seems to be about 'do have sex' or 'don't have sex' and then about age.  Teenagers are told 'DON'T HAVE SEX!' but they aren't told why.  They aren't given a chance for real dialogue about it (*I say this in a general sense, I know there ARE plenty of adults out there who have great dialogue re sex with their teens).  People seem to focus on the physical reasons to abstain, especially with regard to pregnancy and STI transmission, but it needs to go a lot further.  The mental side of things, the emotional side, the spiritual side.

But then the same can be said for the peer pressure side of things.  'It feels so good' yeah, true, it can feel good, but it can also be uncomfortable as well as opening up a new world of insecurities.  I didn't orgasm, I must be broken.  He/she didn't cum, I must be doing something wrong.  Sex doesn't feel good, there must be something wrong with me.

There is stigma attached to losing virginity too young or in the wrong circumstances, but there is also a stigma attatched to not losing one's virginity young enough. It is like if you have lost your virginity by the time you are 15 you are automatically a 'slut', if you haven't lost your virginity by the time you are 20 you are 'frigid' or there is obviously something wrong with you. 

It's a complete and utter contradiction.  What is so wrong with someone not losing their virginity until they are 20?  30? 40?  Older?   Why should it bother me if Jane Bloggs down the road didn't lose her virginity until she was 25?

Why can't people just accept that the decision to lose your virginity should be a private one, one that is made when each individual feels the time is right?  We (when I say we, I mean we as a society)  can give teenagers and young people tools to help them with that decision, we should be available for them to talk to about it if they want, we should be there to guide them if and when they want our guidance.  On the flip side, we should accept that not everyone is ready to lose their virginity in their teens and that some people may have no interest in losing it at all.

Virginity is a big deal - but it should be a big deal on an individual level - not a societal level.  I wish our four children could grow up in a society where virginity is what it is - having sex for the first time - and that the pressure so commonly associated with it, whether from the 'don't do it' or 'do it now!' camp, didn't exist. Losing your virginity should most be seen as special and I am by no means saying people should lose their virginity when they are too young mentally, emotionally and physically to cope with it.

I guess when I think about our children, I want them to not feel pressured to lose their virginity, but I also don't want them thinking sex is evil or a 'bad' thing to do.  I want them to be able to talk with us when they have questions or feel confused or just need a sounding board, and that, between my wife and I, we can give them the ability to make an informed decision and lose their virginity when the time is right for them, not when society thinks it is right for them.

Late night masturbation... that leads to so much more

Well, my exams are all done for the year!  Now it's just the long wait to see if I have passed all my papers so I can plan what will hopefully be the final year of my degree... we should just ignore the fact I am already considering degree #2 or some postgrad work.

While studying for my last exam I got a little inspired and sidetracked and wrote a little something which I will probably include in the (novel length) story I am writing at the moment, about Lanie and her polyamorous relationship with twin brothers Blake and Logan.  The story is still in its early days but I am enjoying writing it!

I haven't posted anything for a few days so I wanted to share the little snippet that kept me from my exam study....  Enjoy!

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It was 3am. After sleeping for maybe two hours at the most, Lanie was awake again and struggling to get back to sleep. She had tried counting sheep, she had tried a special muscle relaxation technique Blake swore by, she had tried shutting off her brain, she had even tried reading on her eReader but it was all to no avail; she was wide awake and frustrated.

As far as she was concerned there was only one thing left to try. Masturbation. Logan had a big week at work so waking him up for a little sexual relief wasn't an option, she would just have to get the dirty thoughts flowing and use her fingers to send her to sleep.

Dirty thoughts or perhaps some on-mute porn on her cellphone. Yes, that seemed easier. Picking her phone up from beside the bed she turned it to silent and flicked to the bookmarks screen, tapping on the icon for her go-to porn website.

But what was she in the mood for? Lesbian? Threesomes? Gang bangs? Oral? Spanking? Who the hell was she kidding in pretending to consider other categories of porn? As usual she went straight to the 'anal' category and began scrolling through for a thumbnail that appealed. She found one and was about to tap 'play' when she realised she would need a particularly intense orgasm to send her to the land of nod. Taking this into consideration, Lanie reached over and took her bullet vibrator from the nightstand.

Logan didn't stir as she did this and when she placed it against her clit then rolled onto her tummy and turned it on he remained completely oblivious. She was glad he was such a sound sleeper.

Her clit was already beginning to tingle and when she finally started the video the tingle turned into a dull throb. She skipped through the boring stuff and resumed the video when the two characters were naked. Lanie began to circle her hips in loose movements, the friction provided by the mattress beneath her adding to the thrumming vibrations of the bullet against her clitoris.

On screen the man was now pressing the tip of his cock against the woman's asshole and Lanie instinctively began pressing her hips more firmly against the mattress, in need of the added stimulation.

Lanie groaned internally as the man pushed inside the woman's ass. Lanie could feel her pussy getting wetter as she move her hips in tighter circles and opened her legs slightly, just enough to stretch her hole but not so much the bullet slipped out from between her labia. That was the last thing she needed!

On screen the couple were picking up the pace. Lanie's pussy was starting to feel hot and swollen while her clitoris was pulsating and sending shocks of pleasure through her body.

Lanie's toes began to curl as she felt her arousal moving on to a new phase – the pre-orgasm stage - when the pleasure became close to oberwhelming. She gripped the top of the mattress with her spare hand and tired to control her breathing knowing that if she could manage to stay silent the orgasm would be even more intense.

Her abdomen, hips and thighs were all rigid, providing more resistatnce against the mattress and therefore increasing the friction on her clit. How she wished she could scream!

Lanie almost screamed with shock when Logan suddenly moved on top of her. She had been so caught up in the video and the pleasure coursing through her she hadn't been aware of Logan waking up. Lanie moved to turn the video off but before she could Logan stopped her.

“Keep watching it,” he whispered into her ear.

Lanie whimpered an 'uh huh' in response and did as she was told. Logan got onto his knees and when she heard a lid being popped open she almost came from the anticipation alone. He was lubing up, which only meant one thing.

A finger ran down between her ass cheeks and when she felt that finger gently massaging her tight hole she groaned loudly, tilting her hips backward so he could use more pressure.

The tip of his lubed finger slowly pressed inside her hole, the tight muscles stretching to accommodate the finger and making her want more. Seven inches more.

Her breaths were coming in pants and when she finally felt the rounded tip of his cock against her asshole she gripped onto the bottom sheet and cried out loudly.

Logan's thick length felt divine as it slowly worked its way deeper into her and she had to resist the urge to get on all fours, knowing she would be rewarded with a killer orgasm if she kept as much friction on her clit as possible,

She couldn't really focus on the porn video, her eyesight was going blurry and her eyes kept rolling back in her head. Every stroke of Logan's cock was bringing her closer to the edge and as he started to move harder she dropped her phone and pressed her hands against the headboard.

The resistance allowed Logan to hit deeper and harder but it also allowed her to grind her hips more effectively against the mattress. Every muscle in her body began to tighten as her orgasm started to build. Any intention of a silent orgasm flew out the window and as she began crying out louder and louder, she had to brace her self for what was fast approaching.

Her pussy was sopping, her clit was aching, the feeling of fullness in her ass was only increasing with each stroke. She felt the very first orgasmic spasm in her clit and then screamed and writhed around beneath Logan as the full brunt of her orgasm struck.

She could feel it in her cunt and in her ass, she could feel it everywhere and it came wave after relentless wave until finally her body went still and the tension of orgasm was replaced by a soft, floaty feeling, a feeling of no longer being in her own body... just drifting.

When Logan pulled out of her she realised he had also cum. She had been so caught up in her own orgasm she had completely missed the chance to experience the feeling of Logan releasing his load into her.

She tried to form words, to tell him she loved him, that he had melted her brain, that she loved feeling him pressed against her like that, but all that came out was an incoherent mumble as sleep finally consumed her.

Introducing Lanie, Blake & Logan

I would love to give all the background that led to me writing this, but we are heading away for the day and I am already running behind!

I have a feeling this may turn into a series because let's face it, the background story is going to be rather intriguing.  After all, how does a woman end up in a relationship with identical twin brothers?

For now, I leave you with Lanie, Blake and Logan... enjoy!

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Lanie stood before the door and nervously smoothed down her outfit. She was going for the 'fake it til you make it' thing and hoped her business-like outfit of black pencil skirt and red short sleeve shirt with ruffles down the middle would make her look more confident than she felt. In reality she had never been more nervous, excited, or anxious in her life.

Another knock on the door and she rolled her eyes, “Come on Lanie, get your shit together, you can do this,” she said to herself and before she could chicken out pulled the door open. Her knees went weak as she took in the doubly delicious sight of Blake and Logan.

“Hey gorgeous,” Logan said and held his arms out to Lanie.

“Hey yourself,” Lanie laughed as she stepped into his arms and inhaled his scent, manly and musky. She never could get enough of the Ralph Lauren cologne he wore.

“Oi, remember we are sharing tonight!” Blake chuckled from beside her and Lanie winked at him as she moved from Logan's arms into his, loving the stark contrast of his Armani cologne which citrusy and fresh, making her think of summer.

“Wanna come in?” Lanie asked and mentally rolled her eyes... of course they wanted to come in.

“Inside or in you?” Blake asked wickedly and Lanie bit her lip.

“Both,” Lanie replied and turned back into the house, Blake and Logan following closely behind.

“Can I get either of you a drink?” Lanie asked stopping outside the door to the kitchen.

“Look at you playing the hostess,” Logan teased and Lanie shrugged.

“Just giving you time to back out,” Lanie managed to say with a straight face, knowing there was no way that was going to happen.

“You really think either of us is going to back out when you have been sending us filthy text messages all week?” Blake asked stepping behind her and moving her hair to the side so he could bite the crook of her neck.

“And those naughty pxts were pure wickedness,” Logan added putting his hands on her hips and stepping into her so she was effectively sandwiched between the two men.

“No idea what you're talking about,” Lanie said innocently, biting back a whimper when the two men began kissing opposite sides of her neck.

The men managed to kiss and nip at her neck as the three of them made their way through to the bedroom, Lanie's tormented whimpers and moans the only sounds in the house. As they walked, Logan was undoing the buttons on her shirt while Blake was unzipping the back of her skirt.

By the time they stepped into her bedroom her black sheer lace bra was on display and when Blake worked her skirt down over her hips, so were her matching panties. Lanie stepped out of her skirt and moved to take her red stilettos off, but Logan stopped her, whispering huskily in her ear that she should keep them on. Lanie smirked at him as she remembered he was the one with the stiletto fetish. Keep them on it was.

When her shirt dropped to the floor Lanie looked at both men with determination.

“Tops off, now,” she ordered, feeling a tight clench in her pussy when the two men did as was asked of them. To Lanie's disappointment Blake never had the slightest hint of hair on his chest, but he was covered from neck to hips in tattoos, a major turn on for her. Logan, on the other hand, had no ink whatsoever, but he had the perfect amount of hair on his chest and seeing his treasure trail was enough to give her a mini-orgasm.

It was when they had their tops off that it was blatanly obvious which twin was which. Yeap. She didn't have a boyfriend – she had two – and they were identical twin brothers. The idea of a threesome was something they had been toying with for a few months; Blake and Logan were both happy with the idea, but Lanie had needed longer to think about it. Ultimately though, she knew she could trust both men, and she would be lying if she said she wasn't extremely curious about what it would be like to be in bed with both men at the same time.

And there they were!

Lanie wasn't too sure what to say so rather than speak she moved closer to the two men so she could trail a hand down their chests and over their bellies before continuing south and dipping a hand in the waistband of each man's pants. Logan groaned while Blake inhaled sharply. Both were looking at her intently waiting for her next move... which was to take her hands from inside their pants and pull each of their zippers down. The buttons of their jeans came undone next and she watched Blake and Logan shuffling out of their jeans and shoes, a burst of desire tearing through her body as she looked at them standing in their boxers.

They really were identical – the same wide shoulders, the same big arms, the same broad chests, the same powerful thighs – and they were all hers. She wasn't sure how she'd got so lucky, even if it was they who claimed they were the lucky ones, an admission she always scoffed at.

Her hands drifted down their chests again and over their bellies, this time her hands settled on the two hardening bulges encased in their boxers. She gave them both a gentle squeeze followed by a not-so-gentle squeeze and bit her lip as both men groaned and gave her pleading looks. Pretending she was immune to their desperate looks Lanie snaked her fingers into the waistband of their boxers and slowly moved each hand lower and lower until she had a bare cock gripped in each fist.

Blake started to move against her hand while Logan put his hand around hers and made her grip him tighter. She had never felt more in charge in her life - it was a feeling she wasn't used to – and she loved it.

The feeling of control disappeared when Logan slipped his fingers beneath the elastic of the crotch of her panties and brushed his finger against her wet folds. She wanted to pretend she was in no rush and that she wanted to take things slow, but her hips betrayed her and began moving against his hand. With her hand still inside his boxers, Blake moved in front of her and cupped her breast in his huge hand, his thumb swiping across the lace covered nipple and she let out a shuddery moan, arching her back in an attempt to push more of her boob into his hand.

Lanie gripped onto Blake's shoulders when Logan added another finger to her pussy and began to rub her clit with his thumb. If she was standing much longer she knew she was going to collapse – there was only so much a girl could take before needing to writhe around naked beneath an equally naked man [or men as it were] – and that time was fast approaching.

She removed her hand from inside Blake's boxers and pulled him forward at the shoulders so she could kiss him. His tongue swiped against hers and she groaned against his mouth as Logan began rubbing her clit in faster, harder circles. When Blake's hands began to trail slowly down her sides Lanie found it hard to catch her breath, the featherlight touch of his fingertips was causing a throbbing ache deep inside her pussy and she was suddenly overcome by the need to have one of them – no, both of them – inside her.

The kissing deepened and she was sent into some form of sensory overload when she focused on the feeling of two hands on her sides and one hand between her legs. It felt incredible and intense and she wondered how she had waited so long to let both of them have her at the same time.

Blake dropped gently to his knees and when Lanie felt Logan's hand leave her pussy she felt what could only be described as panic. Maybe they had changed their minds? When she felt the waistband of her panties being pulled down she sighed with relief. They weren't leaving, they were taking her panties off. When her panties dropped to the floor Lanie stepped out of them and smiled nervously at Blake when he stood back up. It wasn't that she was unsure, it was just that it was such a huge moment for her – for all of them – and it was hard not to feel nervous about what was to come!

Logan kissed the tip of her shoulder then kissed inward until he reached and kissed up her neck and along her jaw until he reached her lips. They kissed softly and slowly, and when Lanie felt Blake's breath on her neck she turned so she could kiss him. The hunger in his kiss surprised her and she moaned as he tugged on her bottom lip with his teeth then resumed kissing her with even more hunger. The kiss came to a natural end and Lanie could sense the two men were feeling just as needy as she was.

She kicked off her stilettos before dropping to her knees between the men. She pulled down Blake's boxers, followed by Logan's, and wasn't surprised when the moment she stood up Blake turned her around and undid her bra. It almost floated to the floor and as she turned around again she noticed a very familiar look of hunger on both men's faces. It was identical.

“Ready for bed?” Blake whispered, pushing a stray strand of hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear.

“I'm very ready,” Lanie whispered.

“Come on then,” Logan smiled at her and took her hand. She and Logan walked around to one side of the bed while Blake went around the other side, when they were all in the bed she was in between the two men, and again was finding it hard to breathe.

Lanie wasn't too sure what to do next but Logan and Blake made that a moot point by rolling in toward her and each taking one of her nipples in their mouths. She gasped and groaned as the men began sucking her nipples, both using slightly different techniques. Blake was flicking the tip of her nipple with his tongue, while Logan was running his tongue around the nipple in his mouth... on their own it would be enough to make her grip at the bedsheets and beg for more. The two of them at the same time felt like heaven. Overwhelming pleasurable heaven.

To try and slow down her response, Lanie moved her hands down until she found the two hard cocks she was so familiar with. As the men sucked and played with her nipples she squeezed their hard lengths, loving the way it felt when one of them groaned against her nipple, the reverberations spreading through her body and causing her clit to throb. The harder she squeezed them the harder they sucked and before long her room was full with a chorus of moans, groans, grunts and cries. Her hips were moving in tight circles and her legs were spreading of their own accord – it was as if her body was screaming out 'please fuck me now!' - and her body was right, she was beyond ready.

“I... I need more,” Lanie said feeling flustered.

“Do you want both of us at the same time, or do you want us to take turns?” Blake asked sweetly and had she not been so turned on and aching for their cocks, she would have laughed.

“Both of you,” Lanie replied without needing to think about it.

Blake moved on top of her and began kissing her. She could feel his cock pressing against her slit but he made no attempt to press inside her, while they were kissing she was aware of Logan sitting up beside her and opening the bedside table. Again, had she not been so ready for their cocks she would have laughed and made a comment about there being no sexy way to say 'sorry hunny I just need to get the lube out', but in that moment all she wanted was to feel two cocks deep inside her. In her opinion, he couldn't lube up fast enough!

Blake moved off her as Logan lay back down and before she could say a word Logan was on top of her. Like with Blake, she could feel Logan's cock pressing against her slit but he didn't make any moves to enter her and instead kissed her nice and slowly. It was the type of kiss that would ordinarily have led to hours of love making, but not that night. She softly moaned against his mouth and her breath hitched when he lightly licked the inside of her top lip. That single contact sent pleasure coursing directly to her clit and she suddenly found it hard to not wrap her legs around his waist and pull him deep inside her cunt.

When they broke the kiss to catch their breath Lanie felt almost crazed with desire. She couldn't just kiss anymore, she needed to be filled up with their cocks, to move against them, to feel them moving against her. She needed to cum, and badly.

A strong hand grabbed her hip and she felt a thrill of excitement tear through her as Blake rolled her so she was pressed right up against him. His cock was against her saturated slit and when he lifted her leg and put it over his hip she knew she was finally getting what she so badly wanted and needed. The thick head of his cock ran up and down between her swollen lips a few times and then stopped at her hole. Her breath hitched as she felt the first inch of him pressing inside her and then she groaned loudly when he pulled her against him as he pushed into her. Pleasure shot through her system and she silently willed him to begin moving hard and fast against her.

That was when she felt Logan's lubricated fingers probing at her asshole. She moaned as he massaged the tight ring of muscle before pressing one finger inside her and sliding it in and out of her slowly, sending pleasurable waves deep into her pussy, which was clenching tightly around Blake's cock. He added another finger and she moaned loudly, her hips bucking as her fingers dug into Blake's arm. Logan's fingers were soon replaced by the feeling of his cock against her tight opening and as he slowly and carefully inched his way inside her he groaned, she groaned, and Blake groaned, his hand digging into her hip.

For a few moments they were still, then Blake began kissing her and as a natural response her hips began moving against him. Blake began moving in time with her and Logan quickly found the right rhythm – both cocks were pulling out at the same time and both were pushing in at the same time – the feeling of fullness surpassed anything she had imagined and then there was the friction. God. She had never felt friction of an intensity like she felt in those moments.

Her clit was getting constant friction and the tight ring of muscle at the entrance to her ass was getting it too; what she hadn't counted on was the internal friction caused by Logan's and Blake's cocks rubbing against her internal walls at the same time. The sensation caused by the friction was all encompassing, and the louder her moans and cries got, the faster the men moved against her, the more friction was created, and the louder she would moan and cry... it was a never ending circle of pleasure like she had never experienced before.

Logan was working his usual magic on her neck, licking and biting in exactly the right place to send bolts of electricity directly to her clit. She could feel that she was swollen and knew she was incredibly wet, the more her body responded, the more she felt the pleasure. What she would normally feel in her clit began spreading throughout her cunt and soon she felt a tight heat in her pussy. The heat only added to what she was feeling and when she started shrieking she hoped she could prolong things long enough to make Logan and Blake cum... she hated the idea of her being the only one who reached orgasm!

Blake was gripping onto her hip harder with each few thrusts and when he started grunting she felt relieved knowing it meant he was going to cum soon. Behind her Logan was panting, his breath coming hard and fast against her neck.

“Harder baby,” Lanie whispered to Logan and immediately he began to move his hips harder against her.

Whenever they had anal sex he waited until she told him it was okay to start moving harder... he had done it the first time they had it and it had become a bit of a habit for them. She loved that he cared so much about her, but then his brother was just the same – both were feisty in the sack – but also very gentle and caring, and always put her pleasure ahead of theirs.

Because Logan started moving harder, so did Blake, and Lanie quickly felt her orgasm building up. She knew it was going to be a big one because, rather than starting deep in her pussy, it started in her toes and spread upward, every muscle in her body tightening, and when it reached her cunt rather than the tension bursting free after a couple of seconds it kept building and building and building. Her pussy felt so tight around Blake she was afraid she might do him some damage, but his deep groans told her he was fine. Logan was grunting loudly in her ear and as his thrusts became even harder she put her arm behind her so she could grip onto his hip. She needed to be anchored to try and have some control over her orgasm.

There was so much tension in her cunt, it was almost unbearable. In fact it was. She had to stop. She had to...

Before she could decide what she had to do her orgasm hit with such impact she thrashed about and screamed loudly, she was conscious of nothing and of no one, the room was spinning, the bed was spinning, as far as she knew the world was spinning. In the murky depths of her vaguely-conscious brain she could hear and feel the two men cumming, Blake pressing deep into her cunt, Logan pressing deep into her ass, growling and groaning, roaring their release.

By the time Lanie came around, her cunt and ass were both empty. She was on her back with Blake and Logan were snuggled up against her - Blake was lazily stroking her thigh, Logan was peppering kisses on her shoulder – and she was trying to find the energy and mental capacity to talk, to turn her head, to move her toes.

She found no energy though – quite the opposite actually – she was falling asleep and didn't want to because she wanted to enjoy the post orgasmic bliss with Blake and Logan... but she just... couldn't... keep... her... eyes...... open.

Outlandishly gooooood sex scenes

Christian Grey is soooooooooooo last year and there is a new fictional man stealing the hearts of women everywhere.  His name is Jamie.  James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser to be precise.

For those of you not in the know he is the lead male character from Diana Gabaldon's 'Outlander' series of books and more recently, the Starz screen adaptation of the series. 

I give to you Jamie Fraser

My mum has been recommending the books to me for years but it just didn't sound like 'my type of thing' because there is an element of fantasy to it [fantasy, sci-fi... my brain just can't comprehend it].  As with the books she encouraged me regularly to watch the series so one night the wifey and I decided we would give it a go.  I don't know that either of us had great expectations for the show but I have learnt my mum is usually right [about everything...] so we settled on the couch to watch.

From episode one we were hooked.  Yes, the story was pretty great, but what really caught our eye was the deliciousness that is Jamie Fraser.  Yeap.  Intense, cheeky, sweet, funny, loveable, and just plain ol' HOT.

Going too much into just why Jamie is the all-around perfect man would probably give away too much about the story for those of you who haven't read the books or seen the series (if you haven't, GO WATCH IT NOW!), so because this is a blog with a strong sexual base, I thought I would discuss another reason we love Outlander.

The sex.

The sex is.  Wow.  Just wow.

I know I said I didn't want to spoil too much, so if you'd prefer not to read about the sex, then stop reading now.

You have been warned.

Had I been eating or drinking something during a particular part of episode six I likely would have choked on whatever was in my mouth at the time.  Jamie, hot, brooding, cheeky [and let's face it, utterly fuckable] tells Claire that he is a virgin.  I know!  Hold up.  WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY JAMES ALEXANDER MALCOLM MacKENZIE FRASER?!

Something about Jamie being a virgin made him even more appealing, I think it gave him an added sense of vulnerability.  There he was.  Sexy as hell and a virgin.  It did not compute!  I cannot think of any other show where such a strong male lead is a virgin, and let's face it - he owns it!  The naughty little smile when he tells Claire that one of them should know what they are doing, you can tell he wants to be taught, he wants to be shown, that he wants to be at the mercy of this one woman.

Who doesn't want someone to feel that way about them?

The virginity admission really set the scene for the sex that was to come in the next episode.  Yes dear readers, if you can't be assed watching Outlander just skip straight to episode 7 and enjoy the naughty delights within.

Normally on-screen sex is all ass moving up and down, the woman moaning and crying out from the second the man enters her, she grips at the sheets and within thirty seconds both of them are a spent heap of sweaty flesh with all of their good parts strategically hidden by sheets, limbs, vases of flowers, shadows, etc, etc, etc.

Not in Outlander!

The first time Claire and Jamie have sex is A W K W A R D.  First of all Jamie doesn't realise that a man and a woman can have sex face to face.  No, he thinks that humanoid sex is like four-legged animal sex and attempts to take her from behind.  Claire, ever the patient teacher she is leads him to the bed and pulls him down on top of her.

It is then that Jamie becomes a man.  For a brief period of time.  Yeap, unlike the usual on-screen sex
scene it is all over very quickly for James Alex.... Jamie, and also unlike the usual on-screen sex scenes Claire doesn't writhe around beneath him with a look of ecstasy permanently painted on her face and there is no grand operatic type orgasm.  Don't get me wrong, she was hardly writing her shopping list in her head, but rather than being over the top with orgasmness (yes, that is a word, or it is now), her response was REALISTIC.

Clearly it felt good and you could see she was enjoying it, BUT she also looked like a woman having sex with her new man for the first time... their parts fit well together, but it was more introduction sex than let's scream the house down sex.

[and yes, now I find myself imagining a penis and vagina introducing themselves to each other and making awkward small talk... 'nice weather we are having', 'a bit wet today'...]

Part of what any audience wants is to feel as if they have something in common with a character, that they can sympathise with a character, smile and nod as they remember themselves in a similar situation or feeling a similar way.  With the good-but-not-great first time sex I think this is accomplished. 

Throughout the whole seventh episode I felt almost giddy with nerves and anticipation, almost as if I was feeling everything Jamie and Claire were feeling!

As the episode progresses Jamie and Claire talk and get to know each other better, you can see them feeling more comfortable with each other and just know there is going to be a rather climactic climax to the episode.  And there was.  Oh yes, oh yes, OH YES.

The second time they have sex one gets the impression that James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser is indeed a very fast learner.  They were standing before each other and my wife and I were both yelling at him to pick her up.  Pick her up he did! 

Her legs wrapped around his waist, he walked her to the bed, lay her down and they went on to have sex that was very arousing to watch.  Hips were bucking, faces were contorted in pleasure, her legs were pulled up toward her chest, her hands were gripping his ass [and what an ass!!!], his back, his shoulders.  A particularly fall-even-more-in-love-with-Jamie thing happened when Claire was crying out with pleasure and Jamie stopped to ask if he was hurting her.  HELL NO, GET BACK TO IT LAD!

Then Claire blew Jamie's mind (uhhhh literally) and gave him a blow job.  The camera stayed on Jamie's face and I have to say, that man is a sublime actor.  His facial expressions were so authentic I had to wonder for a minute if she really was having some fun down there.  Of course she wasn't, but wow, the look on his face when she had finished was complete and utter overwhelmed bliss and amazement.  Again it was impossible not to fall a little more in love with Mr Fraser. 

He then looked at Claire as if she was a goddess and he worshipped her.

Then he fell asleep.
One word for you: R E A L I S T I C!

In the following episode the two love birds fool around in the grass and partake in some sex al fresco
(briefly anyway.... I shan't give away spoilers about what happens after the sex).  Before they get down to it Jamie very casually exposes one of Claire's breasts and sucks on her nipple - a look of

relief crosses his face as he does so - you can just tell he has been wanting to do it since the last time he had a chance to be naked and naughty with her.  The sex that ensues is full of haste and hunger and need and slow, deep rocking of hips that caused me as a viewer to bite my thumb and whimper quietly.  It's okay, my wife was doing the same thing.

Then it finished.  The sex.  The season.  No more Outlander until April 4 2015.  No more new Jamie until April 4 2015.  No new Jamie & Claire sex until at least April 4 2015.

If you listen carefully you can hear women around the world sobbing, wondering how they are going to make it through the next six months.

Unexpected curiosity that led to empowerment

The brain really is an amazing (crazy, silly, bizarre) thing.  Close to a couple of months ago now, I posted a blog post entitled Is it BDSM or is it abuse?, in which I shared my personal story of sexual abuse.  Potentially the most traumatising aspect of my period of abuse, was the fact I was anally raped on more than one occasion.

It makes sense that because of this, the thought of anal sex was enough to make me feel sick and to send me into a depressive cycle.  Reliving the experience would bring me to tears, it would make me shake, it would set off a full blown anxiety attack.  Anal sex.  The thought of it disgusted me and whenever I saw mention of anal being pleasurable I would frown, scoff and shake my head.  Pleasurable?  No-fucking-way.

I met my wife and told her what had happened to me when I was 20, for the first time in my life I was actually able to talk about it in person, with someone who actually cared about me, and was more than willing to listen to what I had to say.  It felt good to be able to get it out of my system, to be able to release some of the pressure I was feeling inside my head, pressure that had built up over years of keeping my mouth shut and keeping it all inside.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago.  I was in bed with my wonderful wifey, we were fooling around... I started to get carried away by the way she was making me feel (y'know, about a second away from screaming so loudly the neighbours would possibly ring the cops) and suddenly in my little pre-orgasmic fantasy I was having anal sex.

What.  The.  Fuck?

I didn't tell her straight away.  In fact, I planned on not telling her because I felt embarrassed and even a little ashamed.  After all the trauma I had been through, there I was, getting off on the idea of having anal sex.  It just didn't compute.

I couldn't stop thinking about it though, and suddenly became very curious about anal sex.  Surely if so many people could vouch for it being pleasurable, well... maybe it could be?  A couple of days later we were in bed talking, and for whatever reason the discussion turned to anal sex... I likely mentioned not understanding how it could be pleasurable, and she told me that in her experiences it had indeed felt good.  I believe it was then that I admitted my curiosity to her... and told her I felt like I had been short changed, because what could potentially have been a pleasurable experience had been ruined for me because of one bastard of an ex.

We continued talking and I truly don't remember how we got there, but she suggested I could write a
m/f/m threesome scene with double penetration... y'know, it could be a kind of therapeutic way to 'experience' anal sex in a controlled environment, where I was in charge. It made sense to me, and I decided to go for it.  I researched a little, I spoke more to my wife about her experiences, and then I was ready to write.  But I had no idea what positions to put my characters in...

So we watched porn for inspiration.  Most of our time was spent laughing at how fake it was, rolling our eyes because of the cliché nature of the storylines... but then there was a scene or two that caught my eye, and after watching rather than feeling repulsed, I felt... well, quite the opposite.

After this night my curiosity grew and after writing my scene (and having a bloody good time doing so), I really started to feel pissed off that I would never experience anal as something pleasurable.  During one of our many discussions in bed, I eventually confessed this to my wife... and I don't remember a lot about it, but eventually we decided perhaps it was something we could explore further together.  I still felt embarrassed, but my curiosity started to outweigh my embarrassment... and one day while relaxing in bed things got a little heated.  There was touching.

Touching like I had never given or received before.  It was relaxed and slow, and more than enough to make me realise I wanted to explore even further, at some point.  Okay, it felt amazing when she was touching me, and I was amazed that being touched there could bring me so much pleasure.  Equally I was surprised when I was touching her, that she got just as turned on as if I was touching her clit.  We didn't even go 'all the way', there was just finger pressure, no insertion...  I knew I  wanted to go further at some stage, but that there was no rush.

It finally happened this week.  A month, maybe a bit more after that first little bit of touching I got up the guts to tell my wife my curiosity was getting too much for me and that I wanted to explore further.

I have never ever felt so shy in my life as I felt telling my wife I wanted to put my finger inside her ass.  I had no idea how to go about it, hell, I didn't even know what to do with the lube... just the finger? the butthole too?  Was our strawberry lube okay, or should we use that other tube of lube we were given (neither have been used before, both were gifts!)?

Eventually we got there.  I did something to my wife that  I never in a million years imagined I would do to her.  More to the point, it was something I never imagined wanting to do.  But I did.  And I enjoyed it 100% more than I thought I would.  She didn't ask me to stop, she didn't say it wasn't working for her... and when I made her orgasm, it was possibly the most proud I have ever felt of any orgasm I have given her!  Can one be proud of an orgasm?

I think I felt 'proud' of the orgasm, because for me, it was symbolic of me overcoming something that had been incredibly traumatic, and had had a hugely negative impact on my life.  Afterward I couldn't stop grinning, hell, I even giggled for a while.  My wife looked amused and asked why I appeared so happy, and I told her it was because I had replaced a horrible, terrifying memory, with a pleasurable, happy memory.  It was like I was saying to my ex 'you no longer have any control over me, or this aspect of my sexuality'.

I don't know what will happen next, or when it will happen... all I know is that I feel so incredibly lucky to have such a special woman in my life, who has helped me to heal when I didn't think it would ever be remotely possible.

Is it BDSM or is it abuse?

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My Sexy Saturday, week 50

Another Saturday has rolled around, meaning it is time for the next installation of My Sexy Saturday!  For those of you who aren't familiar with it, My Sexy Saturday is a blog hop which provides writers a chance to share 7 word, sentences or paragraphs, from a published work or a work in progress.  Each week is based on a different theme, and this week the theme is 'Make Sexy'.

For this week I have tried to focus on the fact that 'make sexy' doesn't necessarily mean the physical act of having sex.  Words and emotions can be sexy, they can make you feel sexy, they can make you feel like a prince/princess, they can make you feel safe and secure, they can make you feel like the two of you are the only people in the world...

My excerpt is from a WIP which follows two very different people - Eva and Ethan - as they fall in love, but also heal from past hurts.  Eva teaches Ethan he can stand on his own two feet, Ethan teaches Eva that she is more than worthy of the type of love that she has only ever read about in cheesy romance books.

****************************

“You, Eva-slash-Evangeline, are amazing... I knew it the moment I met you, but after hearing all of that I have to admit I am blown away. It takes a strong person to start over from scratch, and an even stronger person to not let the past determine who they become, in a negative way,” Ethan said, stroking her cheek and gazing deeply into her eyes.

“I did what I had to do, but thank you, it's nice to hear someone say something like that,” Eva replied.

“Well I mean every word of it,” Ethan promised.

Deciding it was time for the seriousness to be over, Eva leaned in and kissed Ethan again. The kiss was slow and deep, and while their lips moved together Eva let her hands roam Ethan's body, loving the feel of his muscles beneath her hands. Ethan's hands went on a little exploration of their own, and although neither of them touched any of each others so called 'hot zones', it was one of the most intimate, arousing kissing sessions of her life.

Spanking... for the fun of it

Everything I read about spanking, seems to be heavily linked to a BDSM lifestyle.  Whether it is an informative article, or in a story, it always seems to connect back to BDSM, with the spanking being about control and punishment. I'm not stupid, nor am I naive, I KNOW that spanking does fall into the category of BDSM.  I know a lot of dominants enjoy spanking their subs, I know that a lot of subs enjoy being spanked... and all the more power to them!!!

I'm not here to 'bash' the BDSM lifestyle, because there are aspects of it which fascinate me!  It's not a lifestyle I wish to lead, but I know plenty of couples who do, and every single one of them seem to have amazingly strong relationships... which is more than I can say about some of the 'vanilla' couples I know!  Who gives a fuck what other people do in their private life?

But you know what?  Doms and subs, BDSM aside, some of us enjoy spanking our better half simply because THEY ENJOY IT.

Yes.  You heard it.  Sometimes a person just wants to be spanked for the pure pleasure of it.  They don't want it to be a 'punishment', they don't want to feel at the mercy of the spanker, they don't need to be taught a lesson, they don't want to be controlled, they don't want to test their limit to see how much they can take; they want to be spanked because it feels good, because it turns them on, because it's a way of expressing their love.  Please note, I'm not saying none of those reasons are applicable when it comes to spanking as part of the BDSM lifestyle!

It wasn't that long into our relationship that my wife first mentioned the idea of being spanked was something that turned her on.  To start with it confused me a little, I couldn't understand why the thought of having pain inflicted would be a turn on for her, but when we spoke about it more, I realised it was similar to my desire to be tied up and teased to within an inch of my life. 

 When we finally got around to trying it, I was quite nervous.  I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want the experience to be a bad one for her... but I needn't have worried.  With that very first palm/ass contact I realised  the experience was causing nothing but pleasure or her.  She got hornier than I had ever seen her get, and it happened a lot faster than I was used to.  It was obvious to me she was loving it.  I knew there was an element of pain to it - my palm was red and tingly, she had a bright red handprint on her ass - but with the moans and cries coming from her there was no denying she was enjoying herself!

I wouldn't say spanking has become an every day part of our relationship, but it is something I enjoy doing to her, PURELY because of how much enjoyment she gets out of it.  There isn't the slightest element of domination to it for me, there isn't the slightest element of submission in it for her.  We have spoken about it in depth, the reasons she enjoys it, the reasons I enjoy doing it to her... and have come up with the conclusion it is one of our special little kinks.  Something we do for the fun of it, for the pleasure, the enjoyment... the amazing foreplay qualities!

I know that we aren't the only couple out there who enjoy spanking, without BDSM coming into it.  I do feel like we are in a minority though!  Everything I have read about spanking, focuses on it being an aspect of the BDSM lifestyle... but for some of us, we just like the feel of a hot tingly palm, and the sight of our better half with a rosy red handprint on their ass.

Lightbulb moment: why I write what I write

I have recently started seeing a psychologist for my depression and anxiety issues.  It's something I should have done a long time ago, and to be honest, I am a little disappointed in my previous GP for not encouraging me to do so.  My depression and anxiety stem way back into my teens, but various events in my life (an unplanned pregnancy & coerced termination at 18, a sexually abusive relationship , my nephew dying, living through devastating earthquakes) have added to it, and admittedly made things worse.


Things came to a head a couple of months ago when I had a breakdown.  It was scary for me, and I imagine it was scary for my wife.  Luckily I was able to get an emergency appointment with the doctor, and finally gave in, accepting a prescription for anti depressants.  For about 18 months I had been trying to avoid going back on anti depressants, but eventually I reached the point that I knew I had no other option.  It wasn't just me being affected by my depression, it was my wife, it was our kids, it was my studies.  My life was slowly being taken over by the big depression monster, and I didn't want to cause irreversible to my life, to my marriage or to my relationship with our children.

As well as a prescription for fluoxetine, I was offered a referral to see a psychologist.  I didn't have to think twice and accepted the offer.  Before my first appointment I was incredibly nervous.  Okay, I was terrified.  I was terrified of him telling me I was beyond help, I was terrified that I was going to be stuck in the horrible cycle of depression and anxiety forever.  A minute into that first appointment my fears were gone.  Rather than being nervous about talking to him, I found I couldn't stop talking.  Everything that I thought had 'left a scar' on my mental state,  I was speaking about... and in doing so, I realised that I have had a LOT to deal with since I turned 18.  No wonder I felt bogged under, no wonder I often felt like I had reached the limit of what I could handle.

We spoke about my passion for writing, and because of that part of my 'homework' he gave me, was to start journalling again.  It was a task I welcomed, because until a few years ago, I had always had a journal, and found it useful for trying to make sense of my often confusing life.

This Friday I was having a bit of a down day.   I was full of anxiety about a trip we had to take, and was angry with myself for being terrified about something as simple as being a passenger in a car for a one hour journey.  Anxiety.  It can be an all-consuming bastard of a thing.  As I was writing in my journal, I wrote the following excerpt... which was a huge lightbulb moment for me.
 

Maybe today I can sidetrack myself by writing... it's a good way to escape and concentrate on something else... it's kind of like escaping into a different world.  A world where I can be the type of person I'm not in 'real life'.  Through writing I get to be popular, I get to be interesting, I get to be the type of person people want to be around.  I get to be confident, I get to be strong... I get to be the type of woman a man falls hoplessly in love with.  I get to experience pregnancy with a supportive, loving, caring male partner.  I get to experience life where the father of my child is doting and would do anything for my child.  The type of father who loves his child so much it hurts... the type of father I wasn't able to provide for either of my children.

It was a HUGE lightbulb moment for me.  I have noticed that all my writing tends to have very similar themes, and couldn't really pinpoint why... but writing in my journal on Friday I unintentionally explored the reasons.  And they make perfect sense.  By writing, I get to experience the type of relationship I never had with men, I get to experience the type of pregnancy that I wished I could have had, I get to right the wrongs, so to speak.  The characters aren't ME, but I am in control of everything about them... so in a way, I live vicariously through them.

I had shockingly bad experiences with men, and I think that stemmed from wanting to be loved so badly, that I didn't really think about whether or not the man in question was right for me.  I wanted the type of relationship that my friends were in, that my sister was in, that my parents had, that it seemed EVERYONE around me had.  In doing so I made some bad choices, and got burnt in various ways.  Part of it was also being young and naive.  When I was being used for sex I talked myself into believing it was love.  When I was being sexually abused (though I didn't realise until after the relationship ended), I talked myself into believing it was a sexually 'exciting' relationship.  The man I thought was the love of my life?  Looking back, I can see that he had wanted to break up with me long before he eventually did it.  The myriad of one night stands I had, I thought each and every one would turn into more.  But no, it was always *just* sex to whoever the guy was.

After my second daughter was born, I had a brief relationship, but when he told me he decided he only wanted something casual I ended it.  I was proud of myself, because I knew the relationship wasn't right - or that it wasn't the type of relationship I wanted - and did something about it.

Then I met my wife!  My beautiful, funny, amazing, wonderful wife... and all the dots connected.  I had the relationship I had dreamed of, with the type of person I had been looking for all of my life.  I haven't looked back, and there hasn't been a single moment where I have found myself wondering whether or not she really wants to be with me.  There hasn't been a single moment when I have thought 'something isn't right here', there hasn't been a single moment of the 'oh god, she's going to break up with me' insecurity that was almost constant in my previous relationships.

My writing probably seems predictable to some, it may seem boring and too 'happy ever after'... but it is a subconscious need I have, to create characters and male/female relationships that make up for my own shortcomings in relationships, and the shortcomings in my life.  I don't have the desire to ever have another relationship with a man, but the type of relationship I write about is always going to be something I feel like I missed out on.

One thing I will never feel the need to write, is the perfect female/female relationship.  I am living the perfect relationship with my wife.  While my male/female relationships are something I write as a way to vicariously experience that type of relationship myself, my female/female relationships are a case of writing what I know!

*****

The following video is one that was shared on Facebook last week... since part of this post deals with depression, I thought it would be a good chance to share it!

Cunnilingus 101 - tips from a self-proclaimed expert

One of the biggest changes when you go from having spent years in relationships with men to being in a relationship with a woman is, unsurprisingly, the lack of penis.

Let's face it.  A penis makes sex easy.  You partake in a little foreplay, you get wet, he gets hard, he clambers on top, puts it in and BOOM, we have lift off.  After repeated in-out-in-out-in-out an orgasm or two happen, he rolls off, you go to sleep.  Sex - mission completed.

While I think sex is a lot broader in scope than simply being all about penis-in-vagina (as I explain in a previous post), it is THE most common type of sex that is had between men and women.  And rightly so, because it can feel amazing! It just isn't as straight forward when neither of you have a penis though.

In the early days of our relationship, my wife and I enjoyed exploring different ways to give each other the sexual pleasure that prior to that had only been achieved because of the mighty penis.  We used toys, we used our fingers, we used our tongues, we used our hands, we even used our legs.  I think that for both of us, that exploration led to us learning a lot about our own bodies, in a way we probably wouldn't have in a typical male/female relationship.

As with all couples, we soon learnt precisely what it was that drove the other person crazy, what worked them into a hot steamy lather, what didn't work quite so well and what didn't work at all.  In all relationships you want to keep the spark alive, you want to keep things new and exciting - but it is hard to not fall back on the tried and true - what you know is guaranteed to give the love of your life an explosive, brain melting, coma-inducing orgasm.

My wife loves oral, and because of that, I have become somewhat of an expert over the past few years!  Oral sex isn't just a case of 'lick her until she cums', because as with ALL types of sex, there are different techniques, different types of pressure, different speeds and different positions one can use, and what feels good for one woman won't necessarily feel good for another.

Nancy might like fast tongue action with light pressure on the clit, Mary might like slow tongue action with firm pressure on the clit, while Jean might not even like her clit being touched but may love the feeling of a tongue being pressed inside her.  Lucy might like fingers to be used during oral, Jennifer might like a vibrator, Rachel might find that anything being inside her makes it too hard to concentrate on the tongue action.

Understand where I am going with this?


The whole point of AdultSexEdMonth is educating adults about all things sex, so I thought I would do my bit & compile my very own list of oral sex tips... here goes!

Before you head 'downtown', make sure she is ready!  Foreplay.  Foreplay, foreplay, FOREPLAY.  It will get her in the mood, but it will also make the experience more enjoyable for you, and for her.  The feeling of a tongue against a dry vagina can be plain uncomfortable.  Going in dry with a penis, fingers or vibrator isn't pleasant, and the same goes for the mighty tongue!  I'm not suggesting hours of foreplay, but enough to make sure she is physically and emotionally/mentally in the mood.

Right.  She's wet, and you are finally settled between her legs.  Now what?

DON'T head straight for the clitoris.  Explore!  Run your tongue slowly up and down her slit, dip your tongue into her hole, work your tongue up toward her clit zig-zagging, use the tip of your tongue, use the flat of your tongue, experiment with pressure - light, firm, a mixture of both.  Move your tongue around her hole, try it slow, try it fast, suck gently on her labia, try sucking a little harder.  Don't act as if you want to get it over and done with as quicky as possible (unless that is the whole point, women can have quickies too!), take the time to enjoy the way she feels against your tongue, enjoy the way she tastes!

This exploration isn't just a way to prolong the experience though... while you are exploring, PAY ATTENTION!  Does she moan loudly when you move your tongue in a particular way?  When you use a certain type of pressure?  A certain type of speed?  Does she suddenly fall silent when you switch to something else?  The whole point is to pay attention to what she seems to like, and what doesn't seem to work as well for your lovely lady.

Try to pay attention to her moans, her cries, the little whimpers she makes, the gasps she takes, the way her breathing speeds up or slows down, any noises that sound like they might be fuelled by displeasure or discomfort, more than enjoyment or pleasure.  If you have been together for a while - or have had sex more than a few times - chances are you will have an idea of the types of noises she makes when she is enjoying it, and when she isn't.  Part of giving pleasure is about paying attention to cues, and if you do this, as time goes on you will become more and more in tune with her unique little cues, and will instinctively know if you should keep doing what you're doing, or move on to a different technique.

For a lot of women clitoral stimulation is what makes them orgasm, so if your lady is in this group, don't forget to pay it lots of attention!  As with oral sex in general, each woman will like a different type of stimulation, featherlight flicks of the tongue, slow motions, fast motions, soft pressure, firm pressure, pressure applied with the tip of the tongue, pressure applied with the flat of the tongue, side to side, up and down, diagonally, circular; part of the fun is finding out exactly what type of clitoral stimulation is needed, and when.  To start with she might like light pressure, building up until you are almost grinding her clit with your tongue as she reaches orgasm, she might like firm pressure right from the word go, or she may be the opposite and like soft pressure from start to finish.

Another word on the mighty clitoris.  It may be hooded - partially or fully, and in this case, you might need to GENTLY push the clitoral hood up with your fingertips to expose the clitoris properly.  Some women don't like direct clitoral stimulation, and may prefer it staying hooded... but the only way to know is to explore her body yourself - and of course - to ask!

When you have mastered all the basics of oral sex (which really isn't as hard as I make it out to seem!), you can try adding to the whole experience.  Use a finger or two inside her - start out stroking the walls gently, and if you think she wants harder movements, or she flat out tells you, then by all means!  A vibrator or dildo can also be used.  You may find your lady likes having something to 'grip' onto internally, but doesn't like it being moved in and out... or you may find that she likes it being moved in and out, with varying degrees of force/speed.

Performing oral in different positions can also have an effect on her response - even slight changes in her hip position, or your own position, can make 'nice' oral turn into something far more explosive!  Try it with her sitting on your face, try it with her legs in the air, try it with her legs over your shoulders, try it with a pillow or two under her hips, try kneeling in front of her while she stands, kneel on the floor in front of the bed and have her lie with her ass right on the edge of the bed, kneel in front of her while she sits on a kitchen chair, kneel in front of her while she perches on the edge of the couch, do it lying on your belly, do it leaning down while on your knees...

There is so much more to oral sex than simply licking until she comes.
The three most important things to remember?

Experiment!  Explore!  ENJOY!

 While talking about the amazing vagina, have you seen THIS video yet?
If not... WATCH IT!

There is more to lesbian sex than strap-ons!

Since I announced oh-so-happily that I was in a relationship with (and am now married to) a woman, I cannot tell you the amount of times a discussion about sex or sexuality has led to me being asked (sometimes shyly, sometimes very curiously, always assumptively) "How many strap-ons do you own?"

The simple answer?  None.

Am I against strap-ons?  No!  I think they are a very awesome invention, and completely understand why some people (men, women, gay, straight, everything in between) rave about them; they are just something my wife and I have never felt the need to experiment with in the bedroom... or anywhere else!

Personally, I think part of the reason people presume strap-ons play a part in the sex life of all women who are in a same sex relationship, is because most people associate sex with penetration of the vagina - generally by a phallus - therefore, two women can't have sex unless there is an artificial penis involved. Right?

Wrong.

I prefer to define sex as being one person giving another person sexual pleasure, whether it is through penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, oral sex, anal sex, the use of hands, the use of fingers, the use of the mouth and tongue, the use of sex toys... anything that gives pleasure, really. 

So, if we aren't spending every second of our private time wandering around wearing a strap-on so we are prepared for sex when the mood strikes, how exactly do we have sex?


Naturally there is a strong element of foreplay - but I think that should be part of sex regardless of how and who you have sex with!  It makes sex all the more exciting and explosive, and there is something special about the intimacy that comes with foreplay!  Kissing, touching and teasing is all part of the build up, and I guess for those of us who DON'T have penis-in-vagina sex, the transition from foreplay to sex isn't quite as defined or obvious.

Getting down to 'business', our mood really dictates exactly how we have sex.  That is something I love about being married to a woman, neither of us view any form of sexual activity as being the 'proper' or 'real' way to have sex.  I am not saying that all male/female relationships are like that either, but I know from my own experiences having sex with men, that penetrative sex is what is considered 'proper'/'real'.  I don't think it's a conscious belief either, it's just how we are programmed!  
Like I said, our mood dictates how we have sex.  Both of us have particular 'skills' when it comes to pleasuring the other person.  My wife is A-MAZ-ING when it comes to using her fingers... seriously, she puts me into an almost coma-like state by the time she is finished with me!  I need a lot of clitoral stimulation, so most of the time what she does is external... not to say I don't love the internal stimulation as well!

I, on the other hand, seem to have 'mad skills' (as she puts it) in the oral sex department.  I enjoy listening to her getting closer and closer to orgasm, I love hearing the moans and cries, the gasps when I do something that feels particularly good.  It might sound silly, but having always suffered from low-self esteem, I get a surprising boost when I bring her to orgasm and know that I have made her feel amazing... it's like FINALLY I'm good at something!

I know I mentioned that sex doesn't necessarily mean vaginal penetration, but I am in no way denying that penetration feels FABULOUS.  We have a lovely little collection of toys, including vibrators.  Regardless of how broad the definition of sex is, I can't pretend that there are times that I don't want the extra stimulation that can only be provided by vaginal penetration... sometimes you NEED that pounding, the internal friction, the sensation of all those little hot spots deep inside being triggered.

I tend to roll my eyes when I hear a comment along the lines of 'if lesbians don't have sex with men, why do they use vibrators'.  I think in most cases, a vibrator (or dildo) is used because it FEELS GOOD, and not because it is a latex/glass/silicone/wooden representation of a penis.  The penis aspect isn't what makes someone want to use a vibrator/dildo... it is the pleasure it can provide.  I love that the newer lines of vibrators and dildos coming out aren't all created to look like a penis.  I think it's a step in the right direction as far as acknowledging sex isn't just penis-in-vagina.

I think part of why we haven't entertained the idea of adding a strap-on to our collection, is related to the fact that FOR US, we both feel like sex is something that should be equal.  Neither of us like the idea of there being a dominant and a submissive; I guess that FOR US the use of a strap-on equates to someone taking on a dominant role in the bedroom.

**** I want to clarify that while the dominant/submissive roles aren't part of our relationship, I acknowledge and very willingly accept that for some people it is a large part of their relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  It just isn't for us.

(Well.  Most of the time.  I do enjoy being tied up and teased... and she does enjoy being spanked... but that's a whole other post, for a whole other day)

I was planning to discuss one of our favourite sex toys - one which may surprise you - but this post has gone in a completely different direction than I was planning, and I will leave THAT little discussion for another blog post, a bit later in the week!