Lightbulb moment: why I write what I write

I have recently started seeing a psychologist for my depression and anxiety issues.  It's something I should have done a long time ago, and to be honest, I am a little disappointed in my previous GP for not encouraging me to do so.  My depression and anxiety stem way back into my teens, but various events in my life (an unplanned pregnancy & coerced termination at 18, a sexually abusive relationship , my nephew dying, living through devastating earthquakes) have added to it, and admittedly made things worse.


Things came to a head a couple of months ago when I had a breakdown.  It was scary for me, and I imagine it was scary for my wife.  Luckily I was able to get an emergency appointment with the doctor, and finally gave in, accepting a prescription for anti depressants.  For about 18 months I had been trying to avoid going back on anti depressants, but eventually I reached the point that I knew I had no other option.  It wasn't just me being affected by my depression, it was my wife, it was our kids, it was my studies.  My life was slowly being taken over by the big depression monster, and I didn't want to cause irreversible to my life, to my marriage or to my relationship with our children.

As well as a prescription for fluoxetine, I was offered a referral to see a psychologist.  I didn't have to think twice and accepted the offer.  Before my first appointment I was incredibly nervous.  Okay, I was terrified.  I was terrified of him telling me I was beyond help, I was terrified that I was going to be stuck in the horrible cycle of depression and anxiety forever.  A minute into that first appointment my fears were gone.  Rather than being nervous about talking to him, I found I couldn't stop talking.  Everything that I thought had 'left a scar' on my mental state,  I was speaking about... and in doing so, I realised that I have had a LOT to deal with since I turned 18.  No wonder I felt bogged under, no wonder I often felt like I had reached the limit of what I could handle.

We spoke about my passion for writing, and because of that part of my 'homework' he gave me, was to start journalling again.  It was a task I welcomed, because until a few years ago, I had always had a journal, and found it useful for trying to make sense of my often confusing life.

This Friday I was having a bit of a down day.   I was full of anxiety about a trip we had to take, and was angry with myself for being terrified about something as simple as being a passenger in a car for a one hour journey.  Anxiety.  It can be an all-consuming bastard of a thing.  As I was writing in my journal, I wrote the following excerpt... which was a huge lightbulb moment for me.
 

Maybe today I can sidetrack myself by writing... it's a good way to escape and concentrate on something else... it's kind of like escaping into a different world.  A world where I can be the type of person I'm not in 'real life'.  Through writing I get to be popular, I get to be interesting, I get to be the type of person people want to be around.  I get to be confident, I get to be strong... I get to be the type of woman a man falls hoplessly in love with.  I get to experience pregnancy with a supportive, loving, caring male partner.  I get to experience life where the father of my child is doting and would do anything for my child.  The type of father who loves his child so much it hurts... the type of father I wasn't able to provide for either of my children.

It was a HUGE lightbulb moment for me.  I have noticed that all my writing tends to have very similar themes, and couldn't really pinpoint why... but writing in my journal on Friday I unintentionally explored the reasons.  And they make perfect sense.  By writing, I get to experience the type of relationship I never had with men, I get to experience the type of pregnancy that I wished I could have had, I get to right the wrongs, so to speak.  The characters aren't ME, but I am in control of everything about them... so in a way, I live vicariously through them.

I had shockingly bad experiences with men, and I think that stemmed from wanting to be loved so badly, that I didn't really think about whether or not the man in question was right for me.  I wanted the type of relationship that my friends were in, that my sister was in, that my parents had, that it seemed EVERYONE around me had.  In doing so I made some bad choices, and got burnt in various ways.  Part of it was also being young and naive.  When I was being used for sex I talked myself into believing it was love.  When I was being sexually abused (though I didn't realise until after the relationship ended), I talked myself into believing it was a sexually 'exciting' relationship.  The man I thought was the love of my life?  Looking back, I can see that he had wanted to break up with me long before he eventually did it.  The myriad of one night stands I had, I thought each and every one would turn into more.  But no, it was always *just* sex to whoever the guy was.

After my second daughter was born, I had a brief relationship, but when he told me he decided he only wanted something casual I ended it.  I was proud of myself, because I knew the relationship wasn't right - or that it wasn't the type of relationship I wanted - and did something about it.

Then I met my wife!  My beautiful, funny, amazing, wonderful wife... and all the dots connected.  I had the relationship I had dreamed of, with the type of person I had been looking for all of my life.  I haven't looked back, and there hasn't been a single moment where I have found myself wondering whether or not she really wants to be with me.  There hasn't been a single moment when I have thought 'something isn't right here', there hasn't been a single moment of the 'oh god, she's going to break up with me' insecurity that was almost constant in my previous relationships.

My writing probably seems predictable to some, it may seem boring and too 'happy ever after'... but it is a subconscious need I have, to create characters and male/female relationships that make up for my own shortcomings in relationships, and the shortcomings in my life.  I don't have the desire to ever have another relationship with a man, but the type of relationship I write about is always going to be something I feel like I missed out on.

One thing I will never feel the need to write, is the perfect female/female relationship.  I am living the perfect relationship with my wife.  While my male/female relationships are something I write as a way to vicariously experience that type of relationship myself, my female/female relationships are a case of writing what I know!

*****

The following video is one that was shared on Facebook last week... since part of this post deals with depression, I thought it would be a good chance to share it!

I'm stressed out so here, have some boobs!

I am so stupidly stressed out right now that it really isn't funny.  I have a feeling that I am in the

bottom 1% of the entire population when it comes to 'successful time management'.  I suck, and not in the sexual sense either (well, okay, my wife's nipples may say differently).  I really was sure that I could manage a full time study load, four kids, writing my erotica AND for a couple of different (completely un-erotica related) websites, but apparently not.

I only have myself to blame really, I have put my writing ahead of my studies and now find myself in the shitty predicament of having three assignments due within one week, one that I only realised TONIGHT is due next Thursday.

Okay, just writing about this is getting me stressed out, so I am going to share a few images I found today that cheered my day up rather substantially.

BOOBS!  Photos of BOOBS!  Boobs glorious boobs.

I can't help it, I love boobs... they are so curvy and... I really can't describe what I love about boobs, but there is something beautiful about them.  I'm not just speaking from a sexual point of view either, they are pretty - full stop.  Round and plump and soft and...  I don't know.  It is pointless trying to explain my love of boobs.  I can only hope you understand where I am coming from.

I give you MY BOOBS.
... tonight is one of those look down and smile kind of nights!

Although I generally dislike my OWN boobs (far too big and out of proportion with the rest of my body), there are some days that I look down and am greeted by a sight which makes me proud to be a woman.  I call those 'good boob days', and on days such as that find myself looking downward a whole lot.  I am used to men speaking at my boobs (I have eyes, remember?), but I am not overly used to looking at my own and thinking 'hey, not too bad!'.  I think my wife has encouraged me to love my boobs, because as she has stated on so many occasions, she loves them.

Because I have allowed myself an hour or so to work on the latest Georgia and Zoe story and it is now 10.05pm, I am going to leave you with some photos of boobs so I can get on to said writing, and then go to bed and play with my wife's boobs.  I mean snuggle with her.

Enjoy the boobs!

No nippleage, but a lovely, enticing shot all the same

What is better than one set of boobs?  TWO sets of boobs!

Cleavage... who doesn't love cleavage?

The image of boobs encased in cotton is something that I have always loved
... okay, it actually makes my mouth water....

Nipples pressing against cotton *dies*

Yea, I know, FINALLY getting to the good stuff!
Interesting contrast between the roughness of burlap & softness of boobs!

I challenge anyone to suggest those nipples aren't begging to be sucked!

Am I the only one who can feel a nipple against her lips when looking at this?

Why not just take matters into your own hands (fingers?) tonight?!

Not a huge fan of porn (vids), but...

I am not a huge fan of porn... I think for me it is partly to do with my short attention span, and also the type of sex that traditional porn tends to portray.  Don't get me wrong, I have my favourite videos, but they are few and far between.  ANNNNND with four kids in the house, watching porn just seems far too risky.

"Nan!  Last night I got up to go to the toilet and mum was watching a lady licking another lady's vagina, on the computer!".  I can hear it now!

I do, however, find myself getting very very distracted by images online.  Some, would most certainly fall under the category of 'pornographic', while others are more 'intimate' in nature... not quite explicit enough to be called porn, but probably not the type of photographs you'd want to share with your parents, your neighbour, your friendly local shopkeeper... you get the gist.

I enjoy looking at photos of men and women having sex, or being intimate... but what I REALLY like, and what REALLY makes me want to drag my wife into our bedroom and have my very wicked way with her, are photos of women together.  Women cuddling, women kissing, women touching each other, sucking each others nipples, fingering each other, biting, spanking, using toys, masturbating...

My own preference though, is for more realistic images.  I don't like (as much) images which are very posed, and look as if they are just screen shots direct from a porn video.  I prefer images of women who aren't a size 2, who aren't made up to look skanky as hell... women who look like they are really enjoying themselves, and who aren't just acting...

And boobs!!!  I like boobs!!!  Big boobs!!!  Perhaps this is because I am big breasted?  I like seeing women with boobs that jiggle and wobble and can be held onto... boobs that can be gripped, boobs that are a handful...

Oral sex is another thing I love seeing images of... but I like it to look real... not like the women are both in a certain position because it looks good on the camera... I want to see a woman with her face buried between the other womans legs, when the actual tongue and vagina can be seen, I don't want to see the very tip of the tongue 'stabbing' at the clit (we all know that is just uncomfortable)... I want to see the flat of the tongue between the lips, I want to see the tongue probing at the entrance to the vagina....... I want to see oral that depicts oral the way *I* know (and looooooove) it, both as a giver and a receiver.

I know that everyone has a different idea of what makes a porny/sexual/explicit/intimate image 'hot', but these are the type of images that *I* am personally talking about... and which kill me each time I look at them...

this is a personal favourite of mine...

this isn't exactly explicit, but I love the promise of what is to come...

I can't think of a better way to start a Monday...

After spending two hours wasting time (and getting very turned on...) trawling Tumblr for images of sex (purely for inspriational purposes...), I decided I should just create my own Tumblr.

So that is what I did. you can check it out here!

After another couple of hours trawling Tumblr yesterday, I decided that I should be nice and share some of my favourite images and gifs, right here on my blog.

And that is why I am here today, to share with you the first of my Tumblr faves... as you can tell by the title of the link, which will take you to the gif, it is probably not advisable to open it at work, or in front of children.

Depending on how exhausted and not in the mood for sex you are, probably not a good idea to open it around your other half either...

I now give you... Sweet girly oral sex

Enjoy xxx

Oh #thefeels

I saw this on Facebook last night and had to share it, because I love it so much!  It reminds me how lucky I am to have found my soulmate!


(Please note: this is by no means an anti-military type of statement from me!)

Write what you know... or what you wish you knew

They say you should write what you know and I am torn on whether or not I agree with that adage.  Yes, it makes sense to write about something you know about, something you have knowledge about, something that interests you, something that you can write in a way that is realistic and accurate.  But... I also think that writing should be about learning and expanding your mind, and I take great joy out of needing to learn more about something in order to include it (either in one of my stories or in my academic work).

Beyond this, I also think that writing can be a great way to heal your mind, a way to experience something you have been unable to experience in 'real life', a way to right wrongs and to live out your wildest fantasies.  By wildest fantasies I am not necessarily referring to fantasies in the sexual sense, but in a general, personal sense.  As a couple of (weak) examples, someone who writes about celebrity life may have had a life long dream/fantasy to be a celebrity or may have been fascinated by the concept of celebrity for as long as they could remember.  Or maybe someone who writes about going to the moon may have had a life long dream/fantasy to explore space, to find out if there really is life outside our own planet. It doesn't take a genius to read through my stories to find particular themes.

Because I write erotic romance, relationships are a key theme in my writing.  I write about female/female relationships because I KNOW female/female relationships.  I am married to a woman so I consider myself very knowledgeable on all things female/female, from the type of relationship they tend to have, to the sex... the incredibly amazing sex.  I write about male/female relationships,  and again, this is because I KNOW female/male relationships.  I know the sex, I know the relationship dynamics... just not as well as I know the female/female relationships and dynamics.

It is the male/female relationships where I find myself not writing what I know, but writing about what I wish I knew.  It is where the 'healing' aspect of writing comes in to it for me.  Before meeting and marrying my now wife, I had relationships with men.  Most didn't make it past a couple of months, one made it to six months, another made it to fifteen months, but other than that they were either very much on/off, or ended soon after the novelty wore off.  I seemed to get into relationships for the wrong reasons - mainly WANTING to be in a relationship - and they always blew up in my face, or the guys ended up being assholes, including one who ended up being sexually and emotionally abusive toward me.  Before you ask, NO, that is not the reason I now find myself married to a woman!

What I know is dysfunctional relationships.  What I feel I missed out on and wish I had experienced was a healthy relationship with both parties being equal, both parties being madly in love and excited by the prospect of a long future together.  The things I never had.  So while I write about what I know, I also write about what I wish I knew from personal experience.  I thought for a start it was weird that all the relationships I write seem to be perfect, with only minor hiccups along the way... but after analysing it a bit further, I realised I write those type of relationships because it is a way to experience them for myself, through my characters.

I am lucky that I get to experience the type of relationship I have always dreamed of, with my wife.  But part of me still feels like I missed out on the experience with a man.  I don't write about it because it is something I still want.  That is the furthest thing from my mind.  I think it is a form of therapy for me to write about it now, a way to 'experience' it and then move on.  A way to deal with my internal thoughts and help to declutter my rather busy brain.

Related to this, I guess, is the fact I tend to always end up with a female character being pregnant.  Pregnancy is something I know, and I have two beautiful daughters to show for it.  What I wish I knew about pregnancy is going through it supported.  Other than my family and a couple of friends I had no support through my pregnancies and it is something I feel that I missed out on.  I never had someone to cuddle up with in bed at night and discuss baby names, I never had someone to share the ultrasound experience with, I never had someone to rub my belly.

I know that not all pregnancies are that perfect, that it is really just a big perfect ideal I have in my head, but... it is still something I wish I had been able to experience.  I do get to experience it through my pregnant characters though.  I get to create the pregnancy I wish I had been able to experience for myself.  The man and woman share the awe and excitement of ultrasounds, the man and woman battle for hours as they try to come up with the perfect name for their baby, the man and woman lie in bed at night and enjoy feeling the baby kicking together, the man and woman get frustrated trying to find the perfect sexual position that works for her and accommodates her growing belly.  Then of course there is that beautiful moment when the baby is born and their little family becomes complete.

And there you have it.  The reason I don't believe that we should only write 'what we know', and why writing has always seemed very therapeutic to me... because for me it IS a form of therapy.

Only a LOT cheaper and a LOT more enjoyable!

My muse

I am sure I have said it before, but my muse is my wife... before I met her I had this burning desire to write and every now and then WOULD start to write something, but I always lacked the motivation and inspiration to turn it into anything worth finishing.

Then I met my wonderful, beautiful, amazing, splendid (you get the idea) wife and all of that changed.  Even when we were just friends she had a way to bring my creativity to the surface, she had a way to ignite the tiniest little piece of inspiration and turn it into something bigger than I could ever have expected.  When we fell in love and then went on to get married, her status as my muse only continued to grow and develop into something that almost took on a life of its own.

Coincidentally, I am fascinated by the nine muses found in Greek Mythology!
Perhaps my wife is the tenth muse?

I cannot explain how or why she has such an effect on me and my writing.  Possibly because we are always on the same wavelength and she gets me in a way no one ever has before?  We lie in bed at night talking about a story and the next day I feel so inspired and am able to spend hours writing... sometimes to the point that I  NEED to force myself to go to bed or I will write all night long.  Just this morning we were discussing something and she made a little comment that suddenly caused fireworks in my brain and BOOM, a new story was coming to mind.  I am not sure if this excess of inspiration is a good thing or a bad thing.  If I start a new story every week then nothing is going to get finished, but I also feel that if I don't write when inspiration strikes that I am hindering my own creativity.  The old adage 'better out than in' comes to mind here.

I now need to cut this blog post short because I NEED to get this new story out on paper (well, on word!)... who knows, perhaps I will share a little excerpt in the near future!

I believe it is time!

I first began writing erotica when I was 16.  Whenever I finished writing something I would tear it into little pieces and throw it away, embarrassed that I could write such filth.  Surely it was wrong to write about sex?  For years afterward I tried to write poetry, I tried to write 'general' fiction, but nothing really mentally stimulated me quite as much as those early erotic pieces had.

In 2011 I began writing erotica again and have been writing it ever since.  I have one story completed, I have four which are under construction and numerous other ideas in my mind.  Until now the only person who has read any of my writing is my wife.  I like writing for her, I like watching the look on her face change as she reads whatever it is I have written in the last day, week or month... but, I now feel the need to share.

I think part of it is a self confidence thing for me.  I have never had a lot of self confidence, I seem to fail at most things I attempt and have never been great at anything.  Yes, I did well in my human biology class in year 11, I did well in the couple of human development papers I took during my first attempt at university, but I've never been GREAT.  This past year at university I achieved an A- grade for a public relations paper I did, and for the first time I started to believe that perhaps I don't give myself enough credit, that maybe I am better at certain things than I think I am.

This leads me to where I am right now.  I have an author page on facebook, I have a twitter account and I have this blog.  I have nothing published and only my wife has read my work, but I am ready to share.  I am ready to try and get my work out there.  I don't expect fame and glory, I don't expect to become a household name, but I do dream of others reading my stories and would be happy with just ONE person becoming a fan of my writing.  Yes, of course in a perfect world there would be thousands of people who consider my stories amongst their favourites... but right now I would settle for one!

I have no real idea how long it is going to take to get my work up to standard to publish, but until then I will post snippets of my work here in the hopes that it will pique the interest of a few of you!

Thank you for reading!