Virginity - and why I am nervous for our kids

I am nervous for our children... and that doesn't just come from being a mum with an anxiety disorder.

The teenage years are horrible.  I remember them well and I know everyone reading this will remember them well.  The hormones, the pressure, the angst, the need for independence and not feeling as if you are getting enough, the decisions that you need to make about life (seriously, WHY are we expecting 17 year olds to know what they want to do with the rest of their life?!), and then there is everything sex related, but particularly the losing of one's virginity.

I remember being a teenager and the huge deal that was made about losing the 'big V'.  Parents and teachers were slamming home the point that you should wait until you are properly ready and that you lose it under the right circumstances.  Friends and peers brag about losing their virginity, about how awesome sex is, about what positions they've done it in, about how many people they have had sex with.  There is so much pressure from both sides - some of it intentional and some of it unintentional - and it makes for a hellishly confusing time.

I lost my virginity faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar too early.  Years too early.  So early that I am now ashamed about it, particularly about the way I lost it and who it was with.  The thought of any of our kids losing their virginity so young and in such a way fills me with dread.  I'm probably bloody lucky I was at boarding school when it happened to me and I didn't have to physically look at my parents when they found out about it.

But you know what?  In one way I am... I'm not sure that 'glad' is the right word, but because I can't think of another word, let's go with glad.  The one way I am glad that I lost my virginity so young is that I didn't have to put up with the pressure from either side.  When the rest of my friends and peers were going through the inner turmoil of should-I-or-shouldn't-I, I didn't have that worry.  I had lost it, that big, enormous, momentous, life-changing moment had been and gone (I might add that after I lost my virginity I didn't have sex for another four years).

I wish such a huge deal wasn't made about it, that teenagers and young adults could be given the tools required to make an informed decision for themselves (I know this is idealistic, not every teen or young adult has the mental capacity to do this!), without being told by x, y, and z, that a, b, or c was the right thing to do.

Having the benefit of hindsight (I know, old person saying...) I can see that too much emphasis is placed on the wrong aspects of losing your virginity.  It all seems to be about 'do have sex' or 'don't have sex' and then about age.  Teenagers are told 'DON'T HAVE SEX!' but they aren't told why.  They aren't given a chance for real dialogue about it (*I say this in a general sense, I know there ARE plenty of adults out there who have great dialogue re sex with their teens).  People seem to focus on the physical reasons to abstain, especially with regard to pregnancy and STI transmission, but it needs to go a lot further.  The mental side of things, the emotional side, the spiritual side.

But then the same can be said for the peer pressure side of things.  'It feels so good' yeah, true, it can feel good, but it can also be uncomfortable as well as opening up a new world of insecurities.  I didn't orgasm, I must be broken.  He/she didn't cum, I must be doing something wrong.  Sex doesn't feel good, there must be something wrong with me.

There is stigma attached to losing virginity too young or in the wrong circumstances, but there is also a stigma attatched to not losing one's virginity young enough. It is like if you have lost your virginity by the time you are 15 you are automatically a 'slut', if you haven't lost your virginity by the time you are 20 you are 'frigid' or there is obviously something wrong with you. 

It's a complete and utter contradiction.  What is so wrong with someone not losing their virginity until they are 20?  30? 40?  Older?   Why should it bother me if Jane Bloggs down the road didn't lose her virginity until she was 25?

Why can't people just accept that the decision to lose your virginity should be a private one, one that is made when each individual feels the time is right?  We (when I say we, I mean we as a society)  can give teenagers and young people tools to help them with that decision, we should be available for them to talk to about it if they want, we should be there to guide them if and when they want our guidance.  On the flip side, we should accept that not everyone is ready to lose their virginity in their teens and that some people may have no interest in losing it at all.

Virginity is a big deal - but it should be a big deal on an individual level - not a societal level.  I wish our four children could grow up in a society where virginity is what it is - having sex for the first time - and that the pressure so commonly associated with it, whether from the 'don't do it' or 'do it now!' camp, didn't exist. Losing your virginity should most be seen as special and I am by no means saying people should lose their virginity when they are too young mentally, emotionally and physically to cope with it.

I guess when I think about our children, I want them to not feel pressured to lose their virginity, but I also don't want them thinking sex is evil or a 'bad' thing to do.  I want them to be able to talk with us when they have questions or feel confused or just need a sounding board, and that, between my wife and I, we can give them the ability to make an informed decision and lose their virginity when the time is right for them, not when society thinks it is right for them.

Cunnilingus 101 - tips from a self-proclaimed expert

One of the biggest changes when you go from having spent years in relationships with men to being in a relationship with a woman is, unsurprisingly, the lack of penis.

Let's face it.  A penis makes sex easy.  You partake in a little foreplay, you get wet, he gets hard, he clambers on top, puts it in and BOOM, we have lift off.  After repeated in-out-in-out-in-out an orgasm or two happen, he rolls off, you go to sleep.  Sex - mission completed.

While I think sex is a lot broader in scope than simply being all about penis-in-vagina (as I explain in a previous post), it is THE most common type of sex that is had between men and women.  And rightly so, because it can feel amazing! It just isn't as straight forward when neither of you have a penis though.

In the early days of our relationship, my wife and I enjoyed exploring different ways to give each other the sexual pleasure that prior to that had only been achieved because of the mighty penis.  We used toys, we used our fingers, we used our tongues, we used our hands, we even used our legs.  I think that for both of us, that exploration led to us learning a lot about our own bodies, in a way we probably wouldn't have in a typical male/female relationship.

As with all couples, we soon learnt precisely what it was that drove the other person crazy, what worked them into a hot steamy lather, what didn't work quite so well and what didn't work at all.  In all relationships you want to keep the spark alive, you want to keep things new and exciting - but it is hard to not fall back on the tried and true - what you know is guaranteed to give the love of your life an explosive, brain melting, coma-inducing orgasm.

My wife loves oral, and because of that, I have become somewhat of an expert over the past few years!  Oral sex isn't just a case of 'lick her until she cums', because as with ALL types of sex, there are different techniques, different types of pressure, different speeds and different positions one can use, and what feels good for one woman won't necessarily feel good for another.

Nancy might like fast tongue action with light pressure on the clit, Mary might like slow tongue action with firm pressure on the clit, while Jean might not even like her clit being touched but may love the feeling of a tongue being pressed inside her.  Lucy might like fingers to be used during oral, Jennifer might like a vibrator, Rachel might find that anything being inside her makes it too hard to concentrate on the tongue action.

Understand where I am going with this?


The whole point of AdultSexEdMonth is educating adults about all things sex, so I thought I would do my bit & compile my very own list of oral sex tips... here goes!

Before you head 'downtown', make sure she is ready!  Foreplay.  Foreplay, foreplay, FOREPLAY.  It will get her in the mood, but it will also make the experience more enjoyable for you, and for her.  The feeling of a tongue against a dry vagina can be plain uncomfortable.  Going in dry with a penis, fingers or vibrator isn't pleasant, and the same goes for the mighty tongue!  I'm not suggesting hours of foreplay, but enough to make sure she is physically and emotionally/mentally in the mood.

Right.  She's wet, and you are finally settled between her legs.  Now what?

DON'T head straight for the clitoris.  Explore!  Run your tongue slowly up and down her slit, dip your tongue into her hole, work your tongue up toward her clit zig-zagging, use the tip of your tongue, use the flat of your tongue, experiment with pressure - light, firm, a mixture of both.  Move your tongue around her hole, try it slow, try it fast, suck gently on her labia, try sucking a little harder.  Don't act as if you want to get it over and done with as quicky as possible (unless that is the whole point, women can have quickies too!), take the time to enjoy the way she feels against your tongue, enjoy the way she tastes!

This exploration isn't just a way to prolong the experience though... while you are exploring, PAY ATTENTION!  Does she moan loudly when you move your tongue in a particular way?  When you use a certain type of pressure?  A certain type of speed?  Does she suddenly fall silent when you switch to something else?  The whole point is to pay attention to what she seems to like, and what doesn't seem to work as well for your lovely lady.

Try to pay attention to her moans, her cries, the little whimpers she makes, the gasps she takes, the way her breathing speeds up or slows down, any noises that sound like they might be fuelled by displeasure or discomfort, more than enjoyment or pleasure.  If you have been together for a while - or have had sex more than a few times - chances are you will have an idea of the types of noises she makes when she is enjoying it, and when she isn't.  Part of giving pleasure is about paying attention to cues, and if you do this, as time goes on you will become more and more in tune with her unique little cues, and will instinctively know if you should keep doing what you're doing, or move on to a different technique.

For a lot of women clitoral stimulation is what makes them orgasm, so if your lady is in this group, don't forget to pay it lots of attention!  As with oral sex in general, each woman will like a different type of stimulation, featherlight flicks of the tongue, slow motions, fast motions, soft pressure, firm pressure, pressure applied with the tip of the tongue, pressure applied with the flat of the tongue, side to side, up and down, diagonally, circular; part of the fun is finding out exactly what type of clitoral stimulation is needed, and when.  To start with she might like light pressure, building up until you are almost grinding her clit with your tongue as she reaches orgasm, she might like firm pressure right from the word go, or she may be the opposite and like soft pressure from start to finish.

Another word on the mighty clitoris.  It may be hooded - partially or fully, and in this case, you might need to GENTLY push the clitoral hood up with your fingertips to expose the clitoris properly.  Some women don't like direct clitoral stimulation, and may prefer it staying hooded... but the only way to know is to explore her body yourself - and of course - to ask!

When you have mastered all the basics of oral sex (which really isn't as hard as I make it out to seem!), you can try adding to the whole experience.  Use a finger or two inside her - start out stroking the walls gently, and if you think she wants harder movements, or she flat out tells you, then by all means!  A vibrator or dildo can also be used.  You may find your lady likes having something to 'grip' onto internally, but doesn't like it being moved in and out... or you may find that she likes it being moved in and out, with varying degrees of force/speed.

Performing oral in different positions can also have an effect on her response - even slight changes in her hip position, or your own position, can make 'nice' oral turn into something far more explosive!  Try it with her sitting on your face, try it with her legs in the air, try it with her legs over your shoulders, try it with a pillow or two under her hips, try kneeling in front of her while she stands, kneel on the floor in front of the bed and have her lie with her ass right on the edge of the bed, kneel in front of her while she sits on a kitchen chair, kneel in front of her while she perches on the edge of the couch, do it lying on your belly, do it leaning down while on your knees...

There is so much more to oral sex than simply licking until she comes.
The three most important things to remember?

Experiment!  Explore!  ENJOY!

 While talking about the amazing vagina, have you seen THIS video yet?
If not... WATCH IT!

There is more to lesbian sex than strap-ons!

Since I announced oh-so-happily that I was in a relationship with (and am now married to) a woman, I cannot tell you the amount of times a discussion about sex or sexuality has led to me being asked (sometimes shyly, sometimes very curiously, always assumptively) "How many strap-ons do you own?"

The simple answer?  None.

Am I against strap-ons?  No!  I think they are a very awesome invention, and completely understand why some people (men, women, gay, straight, everything in between) rave about them; they are just something my wife and I have never felt the need to experiment with in the bedroom... or anywhere else!

Personally, I think part of the reason people presume strap-ons play a part in the sex life of all women who are in a same sex relationship, is because most people associate sex with penetration of the vagina - generally by a phallus - therefore, two women can't have sex unless there is an artificial penis involved. Right?

Wrong.

I prefer to define sex as being one person giving another person sexual pleasure, whether it is through penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, oral sex, anal sex, the use of hands, the use of fingers, the use of the mouth and tongue, the use of sex toys... anything that gives pleasure, really. 

So, if we aren't spending every second of our private time wandering around wearing a strap-on so we are prepared for sex when the mood strikes, how exactly do we have sex?


Naturally there is a strong element of foreplay - but I think that should be part of sex regardless of how and who you have sex with!  It makes sex all the more exciting and explosive, and there is something special about the intimacy that comes with foreplay!  Kissing, touching and teasing is all part of the build up, and I guess for those of us who DON'T have penis-in-vagina sex, the transition from foreplay to sex isn't quite as defined or obvious.

Getting down to 'business', our mood really dictates exactly how we have sex.  That is something I love about being married to a woman, neither of us view any form of sexual activity as being the 'proper' or 'real' way to have sex.  I am not saying that all male/female relationships are like that either, but I know from my own experiences having sex with men, that penetrative sex is what is considered 'proper'/'real'.  I don't think it's a conscious belief either, it's just how we are programmed!  
Like I said, our mood dictates how we have sex.  Both of us have particular 'skills' when it comes to pleasuring the other person.  My wife is A-MAZ-ING when it comes to using her fingers... seriously, she puts me into an almost coma-like state by the time she is finished with me!  I need a lot of clitoral stimulation, so most of the time what she does is external... not to say I don't love the internal stimulation as well!

I, on the other hand, seem to have 'mad skills' (as she puts it) in the oral sex department.  I enjoy listening to her getting closer and closer to orgasm, I love hearing the moans and cries, the gasps when I do something that feels particularly good.  It might sound silly, but having always suffered from low-self esteem, I get a surprising boost when I bring her to orgasm and know that I have made her feel amazing... it's like FINALLY I'm good at something!

I know I mentioned that sex doesn't necessarily mean vaginal penetration, but I am in no way denying that penetration feels FABULOUS.  We have a lovely little collection of toys, including vibrators.  Regardless of how broad the definition of sex is, I can't pretend that there are times that I don't want the extra stimulation that can only be provided by vaginal penetration... sometimes you NEED that pounding, the internal friction, the sensation of all those little hot spots deep inside being triggered.

I tend to roll my eyes when I hear a comment along the lines of 'if lesbians don't have sex with men, why do they use vibrators'.  I think in most cases, a vibrator (or dildo) is used because it FEELS GOOD, and not because it is a latex/glass/silicone/wooden representation of a penis.  The penis aspect isn't what makes someone want to use a vibrator/dildo... it is the pleasure it can provide.  I love that the newer lines of vibrators and dildos coming out aren't all created to look like a penis.  I think it's a step in the right direction as far as acknowledging sex isn't just penis-in-vagina.

I think part of why we haven't entertained the idea of adding a strap-on to our collection, is related to the fact that FOR US, we both feel like sex is something that should be equal.  Neither of us like the idea of there being a dominant and a submissive; I guess that FOR US the use of a strap-on equates to someone taking on a dominant role in the bedroom.

**** I want to clarify that while the dominant/submissive roles aren't part of our relationship, I acknowledge and very willingly accept that for some people it is a large part of their relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  It just isn't for us.

(Well.  Most of the time.  I do enjoy being tied up and teased... and she does enjoy being spanked... but that's a whole other post, for a whole other day)

I was planning to discuss one of our favourite sex toys - one which may surprise you - but this post has gone in a completely different direction than I was planning, and I will leave THAT little discussion for another blog post, a bit later in the week!

You're married to a women but you're NOT a lesbian?

I have just finished writing the latest story in the  Georgia & Zoe series (Georgia: Exposed), and in
the story (amongst other far sexier things) Zoe introduces Georgia to her family.  Grandma's reaction goes something like this:

“So you're a lesbian now darling?” Zoe's grandma, Ida, asked and Zoe laughed quietly.

“No grandma, I'm not a lesbian, but I am very much in love with this beautiful woman,” Zoe said proudly.

“I don't understand how you can be in love with a woman and not be a lesbian, but I am very happy to hear you are in love,” Zoe's grandma responded, smiling softly at both of them.

I guess you could say this particular part of the story is based on personal experience, because it is a conversation I have had many times, as has my wonderful wife.  I am a woman who is VERY happily married to another woman, and have absolutely zero desire to be with another person as long as I live (except perhaps in my fantasies, but that is a whole other blog post!).

We must be lesbians, right?

WRONG.

I am not a lesbian, my wife (L) is not a lesbian. 
We are women who are in love with each other, but no, we don't identify as being lesbians.

I know that 'technically' we would probably both be put under the category of 'bisexual' because we are both attracted to men as well as to each other, but I know that neither of us really feel that label applies to us.

Back before my wife and I were in a relationship we were discussing sexuality one day.  I confessed that since high school I had found myself attracted to women on and off, and that I had been in a relationship with a woman for a brief period of time between boyfriends.  I considered myself bisexual because well, why wouldn't I?  I was sexually attracted to men and women.  She told me she wasn't even curious about what sex with women was like, and that she felt no attraction to other women.  As straight as they came, clearly.

Fast forward a bit and we found ourselves very unexpectedly in love.  When I met her in person I was immediately attracted to her but other than the odd sneaky peek at her boobs I didn't think anything about it.  I knew she wasn't attracted to women, so pursuing my attraction any further seemed pointless.  But it happened, and in a rather cliché 'one thing led to another' fashion.  Suddenly I found myself madly in love with the woman who had become my best friend, and my wife found herself in love with a woman...

Before we fell in love I was of the belief that sexuality was very much a black or white thing... a person was either straight, bisexual or gay and that was it.  But as things progressed in our relationship I found myself realising that things were nowhere near as black and white as I had once thought.   I no longer considered myself bisexual, but I didn't consider myself a lesbian either, nor did I think of myself as straight.  I felt as confused as hell because SURELY having found my soulmate I should have had a better understanding of who *I* was, especially as far as my sexuality went.

I love this t-shirt slogan, and not just with regard to
the labelling of sexuality!

It dawned on me one day that what I was was SEXUAL.  No bi-, homo- or hetero- to preface the word... I was just plain old SEXUAL.  I was sexually (as well as mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually) attracted to my wife, and I found that the deeper our love grew, the less I was bothering to pay attention to anyone else, regardless of sex.  I would see a pretty woman and find myself thinking about my (now) wife and how much I loved her body shape, rather than blushing as I thought about how nice that stranger's breasts were.  I would see an attractive guy and find myself thinking about how spankable my wife's ass was.

My wife was the only person I thought about in even the most innocent of sexual ways.  You could say that I became L-sexual.  As L's cousin suggested, L is 'Bree-sexual'... I quite like that, it has a ring to it! 



I think what I am trying to say here is that sexuality isn't something that can necessarily be defined by ticking all the boxes in a certain category.  Sexuality should just be accepted as a natural human state without people feeling as if they need to identify as a/b/c/d.

I hate that there is this enormous expectation within society to put a label on sexuality.  I am NOT saying people shouldn't label themselves IF IT IS WHAT THEY WANT.  If you identify as being straight, bisexual, lesbian, homosexual, gay, pansexual, asexual, bsexual, csexual or unicornsexual that is fine!  I have many friends who proudly identify as lesbian, I also have many friends who identify as bisexual, as well as a couple who identify as pansexual.  I understand why some people are happy with labels, it helps us (as humans) to identify with a group and perhaps fosters a feeling of belonging.  I guess what I don't agree with regarding labels is when people are forced to pick a label or feel they have to identify as being a member of a certain group or sexual persuasion.

It is probably quite obvious to you now that I am a firm believer that sexuality is fluid... quite simply, I believe that sexual attractions can change over time.  I in no way think that sexuality is fluid for EVERYONE, but I know from personal experience that sexual attractions can and do change!

Being sexually fluid doesn’t mean a person is confused. For a person to know and accept their sexuality as fluid, they must be self-aware. - Everyday Feminism

I think it is when an individual accepts that sexuality may in fact be fluid for them that they are finally able to explore who they really are and over time define their own sexuality for themselves.  

I love what she says about 'having sex, in a non-defining, non-exclusive way'