Is it BDSM or is it abuse?

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Spanking... for the fun of it

Everything I read about spanking, seems to be heavily linked to a BDSM lifestyle.  Whether it is an informative article, or in a story, it always seems to connect back to BDSM, with the spanking being about control and punishment. I'm not stupid, nor am I naive, I KNOW that spanking does fall into the category of BDSM.  I know a lot of dominants enjoy spanking their subs, I know that a lot of subs enjoy being spanked... and all the more power to them!!!

I'm not here to 'bash' the BDSM lifestyle, because there are aspects of it which fascinate me!  It's not a lifestyle I wish to lead, but I know plenty of couples who do, and every single one of them seem to have amazingly strong relationships... which is more than I can say about some of the 'vanilla' couples I know!  Who gives a fuck what other people do in their private life?

But you know what?  Doms and subs, BDSM aside, some of us enjoy spanking our better half simply because THEY ENJOY IT.

Yes.  You heard it.  Sometimes a person just wants to be spanked for the pure pleasure of it.  They don't want it to be a 'punishment', they don't want to feel at the mercy of the spanker, they don't need to be taught a lesson, they don't want to be controlled, they don't want to test their limit to see how much they can take; they want to be spanked because it feels good, because it turns them on, because it's a way of expressing their love.  Please note, I'm not saying none of those reasons are applicable when it comes to spanking as part of the BDSM lifestyle!

It wasn't that long into our relationship that my wife first mentioned the idea of being spanked was something that turned her on.  To start with it confused me a little, I couldn't understand why the thought of having pain inflicted would be a turn on for her, but when we spoke about it more, I realised it was similar to my desire to be tied up and teased to within an inch of my life. 

 When we finally got around to trying it, I was quite nervous.  I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want the experience to be a bad one for her... but I needn't have worried.  With that very first palm/ass contact I realised  the experience was causing nothing but pleasure or her.  She got hornier than I had ever seen her get, and it happened a lot faster than I was used to.  It was obvious to me she was loving it.  I knew there was an element of pain to it - my palm was red and tingly, she had a bright red handprint on her ass - but with the moans and cries coming from her there was no denying she was enjoying herself!

I wouldn't say spanking has become an every day part of our relationship, but it is something I enjoy doing to her, PURELY because of how much enjoyment she gets out of it.  There isn't the slightest element of domination to it for me, there isn't the slightest element of submission in it for her.  We have spoken about it in depth, the reasons she enjoys it, the reasons I enjoy doing it to her... and have come up with the conclusion it is one of our special little kinks.  Something we do for the fun of it, for the pleasure, the enjoyment... the amazing foreplay qualities!

I know that we aren't the only couple out there who enjoy spanking, without BDSM coming into it.  I do feel like we are in a minority though!  Everything I have read about spanking, focuses on it being an aspect of the BDSM lifestyle... but for some of us, we just like the feel of a hot tingly palm, and the sight of our better half with a rosy red handprint on their ass.

Cunnilingus 101 - tips from a self-proclaimed expert

One of the biggest changes when you go from having spent years in relationships with men to being in a relationship with a woman is, unsurprisingly, the lack of penis.

Let's face it.  A penis makes sex easy.  You partake in a little foreplay, you get wet, he gets hard, he clambers on top, puts it in and BOOM, we have lift off.  After repeated in-out-in-out-in-out an orgasm or two happen, he rolls off, you go to sleep.  Sex - mission completed.

While I think sex is a lot broader in scope than simply being all about penis-in-vagina (as I explain in a previous post), it is THE most common type of sex that is had between men and women.  And rightly so, because it can feel amazing! It just isn't as straight forward when neither of you have a penis though.

In the early days of our relationship, my wife and I enjoyed exploring different ways to give each other the sexual pleasure that prior to that had only been achieved because of the mighty penis.  We used toys, we used our fingers, we used our tongues, we used our hands, we even used our legs.  I think that for both of us, that exploration led to us learning a lot about our own bodies, in a way we probably wouldn't have in a typical male/female relationship.

As with all couples, we soon learnt precisely what it was that drove the other person crazy, what worked them into a hot steamy lather, what didn't work quite so well and what didn't work at all.  In all relationships you want to keep the spark alive, you want to keep things new and exciting - but it is hard to not fall back on the tried and true - what you know is guaranteed to give the love of your life an explosive, brain melting, coma-inducing orgasm.

My wife loves oral, and because of that, I have become somewhat of an expert over the past few years!  Oral sex isn't just a case of 'lick her until she cums', because as with ALL types of sex, there are different techniques, different types of pressure, different speeds and different positions one can use, and what feels good for one woman won't necessarily feel good for another.

Nancy might like fast tongue action with light pressure on the clit, Mary might like slow tongue action with firm pressure on the clit, while Jean might not even like her clit being touched but may love the feeling of a tongue being pressed inside her.  Lucy might like fingers to be used during oral, Jennifer might like a vibrator, Rachel might find that anything being inside her makes it too hard to concentrate on the tongue action.

Understand where I am going with this?


The whole point of AdultSexEdMonth is educating adults about all things sex, so I thought I would do my bit & compile my very own list of oral sex tips... here goes!

Before you head 'downtown', make sure she is ready!  Foreplay.  Foreplay, foreplay, FOREPLAY.  It will get her in the mood, but it will also make the experience more enjoyable for you, and for her.  The feeling of a tongue against a dry vagina can be plain uncomfortable.  Going in dry with a penis, fingers or vibrator isn't pleasant, and the same goes for the mighty tongue!  I'm not suggesting hours of foreplay, but enough to make sure she is physically and emotionally/mentally in the mood.

Right.  She's wet, and you are finally settled between her legs.  Now what?

DON'T head straight for the clitoris.  Explore!  Run your tongue slowly up and down her slit, dip your tongue into her hole, work your tongue up toward her clit zig-zagging, use the tip of your tongue, use the flat of your tongue, experiment with pressure - light, firm, a mixture of both.  Move your tongue around her hole, try it slow, try it fast, suck gently on her labia, try sucking a little harder.  Don't act as if you want to get it over and done with as quicky as possible (unless that is the whole point, women can have quickies too!), take the time to enjoy the way she feels against your tongue, enjoy the way she tastes!

This exploration isn't just a way to prolong the experience though... while you are exploring, PAY ATTENTION!  Does she moan loudly when you move your tongue in a particular way?  When you use a certain type of pressure?  A certain type of speed?  Does she suddenly fall silent when you switch to something else?  The whole point is to pay attention to what she seems to like, and what doesn't seem to work as well for your lovely lady.

Try to pay attention to her moans, her cries, the little whimpers she makes, the gasps she takes, the way her breathing speeds up or slows down, any noises that sound like they might be fuelled by displeasure or discomfort, more than enjoyment or pleasure.  If you have been together for a while - or have had sex more than a few times - chances are you will have an idea of the types of noises she makes when she is enjoying it, and when she isn't.  Part of giving pleasure is about paying attention to cues, and if you do this, as time goes on you will become more and more in tune with her unique little cues, and will instinctively know if you should keep doing what you're doing, or move on to a different technique.

For a lot of women clitoral stimulation is what makes them orgasm, so if your lady is in this group, don't forget to pay it lots of attention!  As with oral sex in general, each woman will like a different type of stimulation, featherlight flicks of the tongue, slow motions, fast motions, soft pressure, firm pressure, pressure applied with the tip of the tongue, pressure applied with the flat of the tongue, side to side, up and down, diagonally, circular; part of the fun is finding out exactly what type of clitoral stimulation is needed, and when.  To start with she might like light pressure, building up until you are almost grinding her clit with your tongue as she reaches orgasm, she might like firm pressure right from the word go, or she may be the opposite and like soft pressure from start to finish.

Another word on the mighty clitoris.  It may be hooded - partially or fully, and in this case, you might need to GENTLY push the clitoral hood up with your fingertips to expose the clitoris properly.  Some women don't like direct clitoral stimulation, and may prefer it staying hooded... but the only way to know is to explore her body yourself - and of course - to ask!

When you have mastered all the basics of oral sex (which really isn't as hard as I make it out to seem!), you can try adding to the whole experience.  Use a finger or two inside her - start out stroking the walls gently, and if you think she wants harder movements, or she flat out tells you, then by all means!  A vibrator or dildo can also be used.  You may find your lady likes having something to 'grip' onto internally, but doesn't like it being moved in and out... or you may find that she likes it being moved in and out, with varying degrees of force/speed.

Performing oral in different positions can also have an effect on her response - even slight changes in her hip position, or your own position, can make 'nice' oral turn into something far more explosive!  Try it with her sitting on your face, try it with her legs in the air, try it with her legs over your shoulders, try it with a pillow or two under her hips, try kneeling in front of her while she stands, kneel on the floor in front of the bed and have her lie with her ass right on the edge of the bed, kneel in front of her while she sits on a kitchen chair, kneel in front of her while she perches on the edge of the couch, do it lying on your belly, do it leaning down while on your knees...

There is so much more to oral sex than simply licking until she comes.
The three most important things to remember?

Experiment!  Explore!  ENJOY!

 While talking about the amazing vagina, have you seen THIS video yet?
If not... WATCH IT!

There is more to lesbian sex than strap-ons!

Since I announced oh-so-happily that I was in a relationship with (and am now married to) a woman, I cannot tell you the amount of times a discussion about sex or sexuality has led to me being asked (sometimes shyly, sometimes very curiously, always assumptively) "How many strap-ons do you own?"

The simple answer?  None.

Am I against strap-ons?  No!  I think they are a very awesome invention, and completely understand why some people (men, women, gay, straight, everything in between) rave about them; they are just something my wife and I have never felt the need to experiment with in the bedroom... or anywhere else!

Personally, I think part of the reason people presume strap-ons play a part in the sex life of all women who are in a same sex relationship, is because most people associate sex with penetration of the vagina - generally by a phallus - therefore, two women can't have sex unless there is an artificial penis involved. Right?

Wrong.

I prefer to define sex as being one person giving another person sexual pleasure, whether it is through penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, oral sex, anal sex, the use of hands, the use of fingers, the use of the mouth and tongue, the use of sex toys... anything that gives pleasure, really. 

So, if we aren't spending every second of our private time wandering around wearing a strap-on so we are prepared for sex when the mood strikes, how exactly do we have sex?


Naturally there is a strong element of foreplay - but I think that should be part of sex regardless of how and who you have sex with!  It makes sex all the more exciting and explosive, and there is something special about the intimacy that comes with foreplay!  Kissing, touching and teasing is all part of the build up, and I guess for those of us who DON'T have penis-in-vagina sex, the transition from foreplay to sex isn't quite as defined or obvious.

Getting down to 'business', our mood really dictates exactly how we have sex.  That is something I love about being married to a woman, neither of us view any form of sexual activity as being the 'proper' or 'real' way to have sex.  I am not saying that all male/female relationships are like that either, but I know from my own experiences having sex with men, that penetrative sex is what is considered 'proper'/'real'.  I don't think it's a conscious belief either, it's just how we are programmed!  
Like I said, our mood dictates how we have sex.  Both of us have particular 'skills' when it comes to pleasuring the other person.  My wife is A-MAZ-ING when it comes to using her fingers... seriously, she puts me into an almost coma-like state by the time she is finished with me!  I need a lot of clitoral stimulation, so most of the time what she does is external... not to say I don't love the internal stimulation as well!

I, on the other hand, seem to have 'mad skills' (as she puts it) in the oral sex department.  I enjoy listening to her getting closer and closer to orgasm, I love hearing the moans and cries, the gasps when I do something that feels particularly good.  It might sound silly, but having always suffered from low-self esteem, I get a surprising boost when I bring her to orgasm and know that I have made her feel amazing... it's like FINALLY I'm good at something!

I know I mentioned that sex doesn't necessarily mean vaginal penetration, but I am in no way denying that penetration feels FABULOUS.  We have a lovely little collection of toys, including vibrators.  Regardless of how broad the definition of sex is, I can't pretend that there are times that I don't want the extra stimulation that can only be provided by vaginal penetration... sometimes you NEED that pounding, the internal friction, the sensation of all those little hot spots deep inside being triggered.

I tend to roll my eyes when I hear a comment along the lines of 'if lesbians don't have sex with men, why do they use vibrators'.  I think in most cases, a vibrator (or dildo) is used because it FEELS GOOD, and not because it is a latex/glass/silicone/wooden representation of a penis.  The penis aspect isn't what makes someone want to use a vibrator/dildo... it is the pleasure it can provide.  I love that the newer lines of vibrators and dildos coming out aren't all created to look like a penis.  I think it's a step in the right direction as far as acknowledging sex isn't just penis-in-vagina.

I think part of why we haven't entertained the idea of adding a strap-on to our collection, is related to the fact that FOR US, we both feel like sex is something that should be equal.  Neither of us like the idea of there being a dominant and a submissive; I guess that FOR US the use of a strap-on equates to someone taking on a dominant role in the bedroom.

**** I want to clarify that while the dominant/submissive roles aren't part of our relationship, I acknowledge and very willingly accept that for some people it is a large part of their relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  It just isn't for us.

(Well.  Most of the time.  I do enjoy being tied up and teased... and she does enjoy being spanked... but that's a whole other post, for a whole other day)

I was planning to discuss one of our favourite sex toys - one which may surprise you - but this post has gone in a completely different direction than I was planning, and I will leave THAT little discussion for another blog post, a bit later in the week!

Long distance (self) loving

  
If you want to test the strength of your relationship, I suggest you try twelve months living apart. Not just on opposite sides of the town, but on opposite sides of the country.  For twelve months my wife and I had a long distance relationship.  It wasn't a case of only seeing each other on weekends either - our time together was during the school holidays - which equated to a total of EIGHT weeks together out of the first fifty two. We made it work though, and have now been living together for almost eighteen months (and married for almost fourteen)... for us long distance is a thing of the past.

There is no point trying to sugar-coat it, long distance relationships are HARD.  They are full of emotional ups and downs, they can be as frustrating as hell, and may cause you to shed more than a few tears.  If your relationship is strong enough, if you are meant to be - you will survive - and your relationship will be stronger for it.  If you aren't in it for the right reasons, or can't be bothered putting in the time and effort required, the relationship will soon fizzle out.  Communication is important in ALL relationships, but moreso when it comes to long distance relationships.

So.  You are meant to be together, you're willing to do what you have to to make your long distance relationship work.  Great.  But how do you keep the spark alive?  For the purpose of this post I am not speaking about how to keep your relationship working, in general... but more the physical/sex side of things.

How on earth can you have a physical relationship when you can't even see each other without the aid of technolog?

The most basic answer is masturbation... but it goes sooooo much... deeper... than merely lying in bed at night and masturbating, while thinking about the man/woman of your dreams who is all those hundreds/thousands of kilometers away.  The real answer lies with technology!


While your other half might not physically be able to touch you, they can join you, in ways that weren't possible five, ten, twenty years ago.  I'm talking phone sex, I'm talking Skype sex, I'm talking sexting.  Back in the day, grandma may have had to make do with the odd raunchy love letter, but couples in long distance relationships in this day and age have a much more immediate way to help sexually gratify each other.  Long distance may be hard, but thanks to technology, it isn't as hard as it once would have been.

Phone sex... phone sex was the main way my wife and I kept that physical spark burning while we

were long distance.  I remember the first time we had phone sex, I was SO nervous.  It was the middle of the afternoon, I was horny and decided I was going to masturbate... but in an odd moment of courage I rang her and confessed what I was about to do.  It turned out she was out.  With her mum.  I was so embarrassed, but my lovely wife?  She excused herself and went somewhere private so she could listen to me masturbating while on the phone.  The nerves didn't last long, and afterward she told me it had made her incredibly horny.

After that day, phone sex became a very regular part of our relationship.  Every night when we went to bed we would talk on the phone, and most nights we would end up having phone sex.  The more we did it, the more comfortable we became, and I think both of us looked forward to our nightly phone sessions, not just for the sexual relief, but also because it had become a way for us to bond.  I would tell her what I wanted to do to her, she would tell me what she wanted to do to me, or we would make up naughty little stories.  It was 50,000 times better than watching porn, because of the intimacy of speaking to each other in such a sexual way.

Remember, I said communication is important - and that doesn't just mean talking about feelings and being honest.  Sexual communication is also a very important skill to develop!

Related to phone sex, is Skype sex (or having sex on a webcam through various computer programs and apps).  It is something we didn't do AS often, but it was certainly enjoyable when we did do it. I specifically remember one afternoon, neither of us had kids at home, and we spent the day in bed 'together'.  We were both on our laptops and when things became a little heated, rather than getting each other off on the phone, we did it via Skype.

It was amazing being able to watch her, and I think it was then that I realised how much you take sex for granted in a non-long distance relationship.  In a 'normal' relationship, If you don't want sex, you don't have to have sex, but in a long distance relationship, no amount of WANTING sex, means you can actually have sex.  I used to hate listening to my friends bitching about the fact so-and-so had been so insistant about wanting sex the night before, she had given in to shut him up.  Poor you, you get to have sex with the love of your life!

During our twelve months apart we would send hundreds of text messages a week, we would literally be texting all day, every day.  A lot of these text messages were your run of the mill, boring, 'this is what I am doing right now' text messages... but there were a LOT of naughty messages sent.  It was an extension of the phone sex, and never failed to put a smile on my face.

I loved being at the supermarket doing the groceries and receiving a text from her, telling me she wished my face was buried between her legs.  I loved waking up to a text message she had sent at 4am telling me she couldn't sleep and she was imagining my fingers were inside her.  I loved being at my parents house and getting a text message telling me she had been thinking about me spanking her and it had made her incredibly horny.  Equally, I loved sending her text messages when I knew she was out, telling her that I had been remembering that time she tied me up, and I had to make myself cum because I got far too horny.  I enjoyed remind her her a LOT about certain things we had done during our rare weeks together - and I enjoyed reminding her as explicitly as possible!  Then there were the sexting sessions we would have, creating a big sexual scenario via text message... her telling me she would suck my nipple, me replying, telling her that while she did that I would be rubbing her clit, her replying saying that she would........ well, you get the idea.

Sexting, of course, is not without its risks.  'I wish your tongue was working my clit right now' is fine to send to your girlfriend, but NOT fine to accidentally send to your grandma.  'Remember when I made you cum twice in a row with that huge purple dildo?' again, fine to send to your girlfriend, NOT fine to accidentally send to an old friend because his name is underneath hers in your contacts list.  LUCKILY there was no accidental sending of messages for either of us... considering the amount of texting we did over those twelve months it is a REAL surprise, and I think we were both extremely lucky!

Private Facebook groups are another way to have a bit of fun together.  Not long after we got together I started a private group for us... mostly because people were getting annoyed at us clogging up their timelines with our personal jokes etc.  Buttttttt the group soon took on a life of its own, and quickly became a way for us to tease each other.  My wife would get home from work and find I had posted a bunch of naughty photos on our page... I would get home from the mall to find she had been browsing Tumblr for naughty pictures to share with me.  The result of this type of teasing was usually a heated phone call, which would end in an orgasm for both of us.

I think it's important to develop the physical side of your long distance relationship, in as many ways as you can, and are comfortable with.  OBVIOUSLY it is important to work on and develop your relationship as a whole  - actually, it's more than important - it is essential, but I am not denying the physical side of things isn't important as well.

If you master the physical side of a long term relationship, chances are you will find that when you ARE together, you have an incredible understanding of what the other person wants/needs/enjoys sexually, and your sex life will be alllllllllllllllll the better for it!

You're married to a women but you're NOT a lesbian?

I have just finished writing the latest story in the  Georgia & Zoe series (Georgia: Exposed), and in
the story (amongst other far sexier things) Zoe introduces Georgia to her family.  Grandma's reaction goes something like this:

“So you're a lesbian now darling?” Zoe's grandma, Ida, asked and Zoe laughed quietly.

“No grandma, I'm not a lesbian, but I am very much in love with this beautiful woman,” Zoe said proudly.

“I don't understand how you can be in love with a woman and not be a lesbian, but I am very happy to hear you are in love,” Zoe's grandma responded, smiling softly at both of them.

I guess you could say this particular part of the story is based on personal experience, because it is a conversation I have had many times, as has my wonderful wife.  I am a woman who is VERY happily married to another woman, and have absolutely zero desire to be with another person as long as I live (except perhaps in my fantasies, but that is a whole other blog post!).

We must be lesbians, right?

WRONG.

I am not a lesbian, my wife (L) is not a lesbian. 
We are women who are in love with each other, but no, we don't identify as being lesbians.

I know that 'technically' we would probably both be put under the category of 'bisexual' because we are both attracted to men as well as to each other, but I know that neither of us really feel that label applies to us.

Back before my wife and I were in a relationship we were discussing sexuality one day.  I confessed that since high school I had found myself attracted to women on and off, and that I had been in a relationship with a woman for a brief period of time between boyfriends.  I considered myself bisexual because well, why wouldn't I?  I was sexually attracted to men and women.  She told me she wasn't even curious about what sex with women was like, and that she felt no attraction to other women.  As straight as they came, clearly.

Fast forward a bit and we found ourselves very unexpectedly in love.  When I met her in person I was immediately attracted to her but other than the odd sneaky peek at her boobs I didn't think anything about it.  I knew she wasn't attracted to women, so pursuing my attraction any further seemed pointless.  But it happened, and in a rather cliché 'one thing led to another' fashion.  Suddenly I found myself madly in love with the woman who had become my best friend, and my wife found herself in love with a woman...

Before we fell in love I was of the belief that sexuality was very much a black or white thing... a person was either straight, bisexual or gay and that was it.  But as things progressed in our relationship I found myself realising that things were nowhere near as black and white as I had once thought.   I no longer considered myself bisexual, but I didn't consider myself a lesbian either, nor did I think of myself as straight.  I felt as confused as hell because SURELY having found my soulmate I should have had a better understanding of who *I* was, especially as far as my sexuality went.

I love this t-shirt slogan, and not just with regard to
the labelling of sexuality!

It dawned on me one day that what I was was SEXUAL.  No bi-, homo- or hetero- to preface the word... I was just plain old SEXUAL.  I was sexually (as well as mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually) attracted to my wife, and I found that the deeper our love grew, the less I was bothering to pay attention to anyone else, regardless of sex.  I would see a pretty woman and find myself thinking about my (now) wife and how much I loved her body shape, rather than blushing as I thought about how nice that stranger's breasts were.  I would see an attractive guy and find myself thinking about how spankable my wife's ass was.

My wife was the only person I thought about in even the most innocent of sexual ways.  You could say that I became L-sexual.  As L's cousin suggested, L is 'Bree-sexual'... I quite like that, it has a ring to it! 



I think what I am trying to say here is that sexuality isn't something that can necessarily be defined by ticking all the boxes in a certain category.  Sexuality should just be accepted as a natural human state without people feeling as if they need to identify as a/b/c/d.

I hate that there is this enormous expectation within society to put a label on sexuality.  I am NOT saying people shouldn't label themselves IF IT IS WHAT THEY WANT.  If you identify as being straight, bisexual, lesbian, homosexual, gay, pansexual, asexual, bsexual, csexual or unicornsexual that is fine!  I have many friends who proudly identify as lesbian, I also have many friends who identify as bisexual, as well as a couple who identify as pansexual.  I understand why some people are happy with labels, it helps us (as humans) to identify with a group and perhaps fosters a feeling of belonging.  I guess what I don't agree with regarding labels is when people are forced to pick a label or feel they have to identify as being a member of a certain group or sexual persuasion.

It is probably quite obvious to you now that I am a firm believer that sexuality is fluid... quite simply, I believe that sexual attractions can change over time.  I in no way think that sexuality is fluid for EVERYONE, but I know from personal experience that sexual attractions can and do change!

Being sexually fluid doesn’t mean a person is confused. For a person to know and accept their sexuality as fluid, they must be self-aware. - Everyday Feminism

I think it is when an individual accepts that sexuality may in fact be fluid for them that they are finally able to explore who they really are and over time define their own sexuality for themselves.  

I love what she says about 'having sex, in a non-defining, non-exclusive way'

Why I am looking forward to June...

I became very curious a couple of months back when I came across the hashtag #AdultSexEdMonth on Twitter.  ADULT sex ed?  I had never heard of such a thing, and wondered exactly WHY an adult would even need sex ed.  My natural curiosity led me to check out the Adult Sex Ed Month website, and after a short read I quickly became excited.

Rather than explaining it in my own words, I thought I would quote the 'about' section of the website instead...

The month of June is the best kind of summer school you can ever imagine — it’s Adult Sex Ed Month (#AdultSexEdMonth)! It’s a month that’s packed with the basic how-to’s to master tips on everything you wanted to know about sex from the top sex bloggers and experts. Topics range from vanilla to kinky. Stories are for for gays and straights as well as for virgins to seniors. Maybe you want to learn something new, learn how to do something better, or just want to learn or understand something you’re not familiar with.

How brilliant is THAT?

No matter how experienced we are, there is always something to be learnt and knowledge to be
gained.

Equally, for those who are inexperienced when it comes to sex, or are curious about a facet of sex they are yet to experience, what better way to get *real* information, from people who have 'been there done that', or are well informed on the matter at hand.

Whether it is something simple like 'How to Undress a Man', 'The Dos and Don'ts of Safe Sexting', 'The Sex Before the Sex'...
OR something a bit more specific, such as 'The Art of Fingering', 'Five Ways to do it Doggy Style', 'Having Sex After Having a Baby'...
OR something you wouldn't exactly ask your parents for advice on, such as 'Interested in Bondage - How Sex Furniture Can Help', 'Rimming - the Ins and Outs of Anal Play', 'Your First Time in a Threesome'

 ... Adult Sex Ed Month has information on it all... and more, much much much more.
(links given are blog posts direct from the Adult Sex Ed Month archive)

I didn't take part in Adult Sex Ed Month in 2013, but plan on taking part this year.  I figure that though I might not be experienced a huge, overwhelming majority of the categories listed on the site, I am a woman who is married to another woman, and like to think I have learnt a thing or two in the art of pleasing a woman.

My wife has insisted I write about performing oral sex on woman, from a womans point of view... and that is what I plan to do!

(... I am guessing that 'having a notepad and pen by my side while I am going down on my wife, so I can stop and write notes', would be classified under the 'not sexy, more than potential mood-kill' category.)


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If you want more information:
check out Adult Sex Ed Month on Facebook
check out Adult Sex Ed Month on Twitter

Trust, respect & kinks

I try to insert my own thoughts into my blog, even if it is possibly not as often as I should.  Since I began embracing the erotica-author side of myself, my eyes have been opened to a whole new world.

I have met, mostly through Twitter, women (fellow authors) who are from a variety of sexual
lifestyles.  I have met monogamous women, I have met women who are single and enjoy casual sex, I have met women who are in polyamorous relationship, women who enjoy BDSM, women who are dominants, women who are submissives.  I have heard stories of dog collars, of spankings, of masters. I have heard about fetishes.  I have heard so many first hand accounts of lifestyles that until now made me blush slightly.

These women are just like me, and do not fill the pre-conceived notion I had of the 'type of woman' who would 'be into that'... some of these women are the loveliest, sweetest, most intelligent women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  During all my discussions, there has been one constant, ONE factor which has been the same for all of them, regardless of what gets them off, regardless of the configuration of their relationship, regardless of the type of their relationship.

All of them have mentioned TRUST.

They trust the person/s they are in a relationship with.  They may call their boyfriend/husband/lover 'master', they may have three boyfriends, they may be submissive in the bedroom (or you know, the kitchen, the bathroom, the backyard, the secluded area in a very public place), they may be any number of things, but whatever the relationship dynamic, they have TRUST in the other person/s.

It got me thinking about my own life and the various situations I have found myself in.  I had the most deathly boring sex life with two of my exes, who I see now I was with for the wrong reasons.  I was with them simply because I wanted a boyfriend.  We had sex, it was very vanilla... we both got what we needed, but that was as far as it went.

In between those men, I found myself in a sexually abusive relationship, he forced me to be the submissive to his dominant.  At the time I was in my early 20's, he was closer to 30, and for a start I thought it was great fun... I had never been with a man who was 'a bit kinky', and for a small space of time, I thought that was all it was, a bit of kink.  Looking back now, I can see he is a man that is very much a dominant, but what he did with me went far beyond dominating me.  He was sexually abusive, he was cruel, he was mean, he had no respect for me whatsoever, and though he said he loved me, I know he didn't.  I was too weak to say no, to stop him and say 'I don't like this'... on the few occasions I did say no, or ask him to stop whatever it was he was doing, he would tell me that NO, he would not stop.  I was his 'slut', and I had to 'take it'.

I think part of me knew it was wrong, that the relationship wasn't a 'kinky relationship', as I called it to try and justify his behaviour.   In the end it took me six months to finally see the relationship for what it was, and then proceeded to have an emotional breakdown, right there on the spot.

I briefly, STUPIDLY let him back into my life for a month, three years ago, and in that month I realised he hadn't changed, that when he said he 'missed me', what he really meant was 'I am single, I need someone to control and hurt'.  Thank goodness I was wise enough to realise that I was a fucking idiot for letting him back in, and then closed the door on him for good.

After him, relationships scared me, men scared me, and when I would hear of BDSM and dom/sub relationships, I would screw up my nose and think about how awful the men who enjoy those relationships must be.  He really clouded my view on sex... and I went from being a woman who wanted to experience and explore sexuality, to a woman who wanted very vanilla sex, with a man who wouldn't have the balls to tell me what to do.

Turned out those relationships weren't very satisfying for me... not emotionally or mentally anyway.

THEN I met my wife, my wonderful, beautiful, amazing wife... and over time, my outlook changed.  It didn't take long after we met (and were friends, nothing more) that we started talking about sex, and various fantasies.  I explained about my abusive relationship, and that any form of kink had been ruined for me, forever.  I was destined to a life of purely vanilla sex, I was sure.

Fast forward about 2 1/2 years... I am now married to that wonderful woman, and we enjoy a sex life full of kink.  Because I know some of our friends will be reading this post, I won't go into specifics, but let's just say, vanilla is only an ice cream flavour in this house!

WHAT made kink okay again?  Why do I get so incredibly turned on by certain things my wife does to me, that a few years ago would have terrified me?

Trust.  That is why.
Respect.  That is why.

If I didn't trust her, there is no way I would be living out my naughtiest fantasies right now.  When we enter our little world of kink (not that it is very extreme!), we have fun, we enjoy it, we RESPECT each other... we are equals, I feel safe, and further, I feel loved.

I guess that is the moral of this little story... who gives a fuck what others do in the privacy of their own home (or secluded public space), as long as they have trust and respect?  I am sure there are 'straight' 'vanilla' couples out there who treat each other like shit, and then judge those with 'alternative' sexual lifestyles, and in that case, who is worse off?  The woman with 3 boyfriends who all love and respect her, or the woman who can't trust her husband, who treats her like a maid?