Wednesday 18 June 2014

There is more to lesbian sex than strap-ons!

Since I announced oh-so-happily that I was in a relationship with (and am now married to) a woman, I cannot tell you the amount of times a discussion about sex or sexuality has led to me being asked (sometimes shyly, sometimes very curiously, always assumptively) "How many strap-ons do you own?"

The simple answer?  None.

Am I against strap-ons?  No!  I think they are a very awesome invention, and completely understand why some people (men, women, gay, straight, everything in between) rave about them; they are just something my wife and I have never felt the need to experiment with in the bedroom... or anywhere else!

Personally, I think part of the reason people presume strap-ons play a part in the sex life of all women who are in a same sex relationship, is because most people associate sex with penetration of the vagina - generally by a phallus - therefore, two women can't have sex unless there is an artificial penis involved. Right?


I prefer to define sex as being one person giving another person sexual pleasure, whether it is through penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, oral sex, anal sex, the use of hands, the use of fingers, the use of the mouth and tongue, the use of sex toys... anything that gives pleasure, really. 

So, if we aren't spending every second of our private time wandering around wearing a strap-on so we are prepared for sex when the mood strikes, how exactly do we have sex?

Naturally there is a strong element of foreplay - but I think that should be part of sex regardless of how and who you have sex with!  It makes sex all the more exciting and explosive, and there is something special about the intimacy that comes with foreplay!  Kissing, touching and teasing is all part of the build up, and I guess for those of us who DON'T have penis-in-vagina sex, the transition from foreplay to sex isn't quite as defined or obvious.

Getting down to 'business', our mood really dictates exactly how we have sex.  That is something I love about being married to a woman, neither of us view any form of sexual activity as being the 'proper' or 'real' way to have sex.  I am not saying that all male/female relationships are like that either, but I know from my own experiences having sex with men, that penetrative sex is what is considered 'proper'/'real'.  I don't think it's a conscious belief either, it's just how we are programmed!  
Like I said, our mood dictates how we have sex.  Both of us have particular 'skills' when it comes to pleasuring the other person.  My wife is A-MAZ-ING when it comes to using her fingers... seriously, she puts me into an almost coma-like state by the time she is finished with me!  I need a lot of clitoral stimulation, so most of the time what she does is external... not to say I don't love the internal stimulation as well!

I, on the other hand, seem to have 'mad skills' (as she puts it) in the oral sex department.  I enjoy listening to her getting closer and closer to orgasm, I love hearing the moans and cries, the gasps when I do something that feels particularly good.  It might sound silly, but having always suffered from low-self esteem, I get a surprising boost when I bring her to orgasm and know that I have made her feel amazing... it's like FINALLY I'm good at something!

I know I mentioned that sex doesn't necessarily mean vaginal penetration, but I am in no way denying that penetration feels FABULOUS.  We have a lovely little collection of toys, including vibrators.  Regardless of how broad the definition of sex is, I can't pretend that there are times that I don't want the extra stimulation that can only be provided by vaginal penetration... sometimes you NEED that pounding, the internal friction, the sensation of all those little hot spots deep inside being triggered.

I tend to roll my eyes when I hear a comment along the lines of 'if lesbians don't have sex with men, why do they use vibrators'.  I think in most cases, a vibrator (or dildo) is used because it FEELS GOOD, and not because it is a latex/glass/silicone/wooden representation of a penis.  The penis aspect isn't what makes someone want to use a vibrator/dildo... it is the pleasure it can provide.  I love that the newer lines of vibrators and dildos coming out aren't all created to look like a penis.  I think it's a step in the right direction as far as acknowledging sex isn't just penis-in-vagina.

I think part of why we haven't entertained the idea of adding a strap-on to our collection, is related to the fact that FOR US, we both feel like sex is something that should be equal.  Neither of us like the idea of there being a dominant and a submissive; I guess that FOR US the use of a strap-on equates to someone taking on a dominant role in the bedroom.

**** I want to clarify that while the dominant/submissive roles aren't part of our relationship, I acknowledge and very willingly accept that for some people it is a large part of their relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  It just isn't for us.

(Well.  Most of the time.  I do enjoy being tied up and teased... and she does enjoy being spanked... but that's a whole other post, for a whole other day)

I was planning to discuss one of our favourite sex toys - one which may surprise you - but this post has gone in a completely different direction than I was planning, and I will leave THAT little discussion for another blog post, a bit later in the week!

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